The shortest long-ass road trip ever.

October 9, 2011 in Me and My Public Self,Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

That Map app the smart sister has on her iPad (that she kept my nose glued to for damn near 3 days) calculated the time it’d take us to drive from Austin to Colorado Springs.  To her, that was the app basically saying, “Hey, fool…no way can you make it there in 14 hours and 38 minutes.”

No matter what that thing calculated on what the distance was from Point 1 to Point B, the smart sister shaved off at least 45 minutes in her head.

Then on the road.

This trip took professionals to accomplish.  No way could it be done by, or with…amateurs.  Or without 5-Hour Energy (that I can chug like a warm beer and she sips like a martini).

I could spend time telling you about the stuff you CAN believe.  Like how we took Beyonce, my little metal chicken and how she drove part of the way…

…and how she placed her own order at Sonic.

But it’s the stuff you AIN’T gonna believe that I’d rather tell you about.

Such as, our first night in Colorado Springs.

We get there (in record time, of course) and need to figure out where we’re gonna stay.

We’re in, what appears to be a nice area of town.  I mean, there’s a Hookah Lounge.  Which she totally thought I was saying “Hooker Lounge” because of my twang.

Her:  “No, we’re not staying by a hooker lounge, what the shit is wrong with you?”

I had to Wikipedia it so she could see I wasn’t suggesting illegal activities.

(I actually didn’t even know hookers HAD lounges, so she must know something I don’t.)

It’s right at dark, so we pull into a name brand place.  Not the Ritz or anything, but certainly not a Trucker’s Delight either.

She checks us in and I’m pulling luggage out of the car.  We proceed to the room.

In the hallway headed to the elevators, just down a very small bit from my carotid artery, I see an older lady with what I thought was possibly a Shetland pony on a leash.  That “pony” stiffens up, lowers it’s ass end in what looked like a lunge-for-the-neck position, and leaned forward.

I swear, I crapped.  Literally.  Right there.  In the hallway.

Stacie looks at me and we lunge into the elevator…luggage and all.  It was just like in the movies.  Slow motion…both feet off the ground at the same time, luggage flying everywhere.

I had no clue a pony was considered a pet in the hotel industry.

Make note of that for your future travels.

Door closes and I hear that pony bark.  Loud.

We run to the room (on a totally different floor now), slam the door shut, hit the lock and we’re done.

My breathing has sustained and I’m gonna unpack my bathroom stuff.

WRONG.

Stacie screams from the other room:

“Pack your shit up, we ain’t staying here!”

(She used that word more this trip than I’ve ever heard her use.  I’m not going to assume it’s because I was with her.)

She has now found A SYRINGE tucked in the cushion of the little, cheesy lounge chair that no fool in their right mind should ever consider sitting it that’s in the corner of the room!

I immediately go into full detective mode and check every drawer, cabinet and seal around the windows.  Even looked down in the A/C vents.

Like I know what I’m looking for.

She calls front desk, and a little girl about 22 years old and 78 pounds comes to the room.

Stacie shows her the syringe that I have now concluded is part of a world-wide international drug ring.  The waif picks it up WITH HER BARE HAND and says:

“Oh, housekeeping should really check these chairs when they clean.  Would you ladies like another room?”

Uh, HELL TO THE NO!  I think not, fool.

Are you kidding me?  We left.

I suggested we call Dad.  He was already a bit worried that 2 of his 3 daughters were on the road, out of state, where he couldn’t get to us if needed.

Her:  “Now why the shit do you think we need to call Dad?”

(See, there’s that word again.)

Me:  “Because if he knew what just happened, he’d set us up in like the Omni or in some fancy digs like that for the night, THAT’S WHY!”

We drove out of the parking lot past 3 thugs looking in the window of a car that wasn’t theirs.  Beyonce’ was on my lap.  When I say her beak is like a shiv, I ain’t kidding.

So are her feet.  I had to put her in my purse for transportation purposes, and she tore up my wallet.  I’m talking TORE.  UP.

We didn’t call Dad but we did eventually find a nice place for the night.  It was by a Denny’s.

I don’t know why that seems relevant.  I think I’m just hungry now.

The reason we went to Colorado Springs is because Stacie’s stepson (who lives there, of course) needed his shunt replaced.  Surgery was done on Friday morning and all went spectacularly well.

This was by far, the funnest trip I’ve ever done.  Fast and furious.  Just like us.  We laughed till we hurt.  We ate crap we’d never consider eating at home.  But that’s what you do on a road trip.

(I’m assuming “funnest” is a word.  Spell check didn’t freak over it.)

One last thing.  Did ya’ll know Texas has a “Welcome Home Committee?”

I didn’t.

And for the most part, they ain’t too welcoming, at that.  Seriously need re-training.  Wouldn’t even take a picture with Beyonce.

I mean, I’D be flattered…but no.  Not these jokers.

This was the best picture I could get:

Really?

Bastard.

We’ve decided we’re doing this again.  Very Thelma and Louise-ish without the violent ending.

So, don’t be surprised if you hear of the two sisters blowing through a city near you.

One day.  Maybe kinda soon.  Probably sooner than you think ’cause we both gotta lotta vacation built up.

You’ve been warned.

shan cook October 9, 2011 at 10:21 am

lolol… i so need a metal chicken!

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 10:34 am

I’m ashamed to say…she has taken on a personality.

I kid you not. I find myself talking to her. Yes. I said it. On the drive back late yesterday afternoon, I was reaching back putting something in the back seat and said (OUTLOUD) “watch your beak.”

Stacie looked at me and said “do you freaking realize you are talking to a metal chicken?”

I just said “shut up and drive.”

She talked to her too, though. I heard it.
Carrie recently posted..The shortest long-ass road trip ever.My Profile

shan cook October 9, 2011 at 11:07 am

that is hilarious! i miss my sister. you actually remind me of her. maybe that’s why i like you so much. :-p

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Wow…huge compliment to ME! I’ll take that, sister!

Diane October 9, 2011 at 12:07 pm

You two are too hysterical. Totally lived reading your adventure. Tom is still laughing.

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 12:15 pm

It’s a never-ending story.

And you know there were instances where I heard “and if you put this on your freaking blog, I’ll break every finger you have.”

Sisterly love. =)
Carrie recently posted..The shortest long-ass road trip ever.My Profile

Coop October 9, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Glad you are home. Say, Beyonce’s lookalike is perched on top of the Burnet road Omelettry resturant awning. I thought of you when I saw it. (lol)

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Oh, reeeeeally?? Been by there many times and never noticed. Quite possibly a good choice for when you and I to do lunch?!?

Stacie’s boyfriend (which is the gayest term in the book when used for people over 17 who are dating so I don’t know why I just said it) is considering a big metal chicken for the roof of his mechanicky-type shop.

I’m pushing hard for that one!

Jennifer October 9, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I loved the continuous Facebook updates from this trip. It kind of made it fell like I was there, which I’m pretty sure is the only way y’all two could have had more fun.
Jennifer recently posted..Share Your Awesome, The Incomplete Works of AnselmMy Profile

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Ain’t FB grand?!?

I will admit though, when most of those posts occurred, we were under the influence of 5-Hour Energy. Neither of us take it as much as you’d think. But it kept us awake which was more time for laughing.

I’ve slept all day today. Got up. Blogged. Ate. Went back to bed and just got up.

Tomorrow is gonna involve a huge amount of suckage.

Chas. October 9, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Thanks so much for sharing! I miss you, and your crazy sense of humor !

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I’m thrilled you enjoyed it!

I usually always post on FB when I throw something on here, but if you ‘follow’ me you’ll get it through email, or a notice. Not sure which.

Just click the button on the side of this page up top on the right…it takes nothing but name and email.

But again, THRILLED you liked it!

Love you tons and tons.

Karyn October 9, 2011 at 6:22 pm

loved this post, though I’m sure it wasn’t as fun to experience as it was to read about. I miss me some Colorado, my home in the USA! We got married in Colorado Springs at the Boradmoor, so pretty. We’ve had some of those hotel ‘issues’ in our travels too sadly, names don’t seem to mean a lot these days, its all about who’s running the joint. You should totally post on tripadvisor.com about that hotel though – help a fellow traveler out!
Karyn recently posted..Steve Jobs 1955 – 2011My Profile

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I have to say, it was a beautiful place. My only regret was the short time we had there.

My sister did get sick of hearing “I gotta get a few pics for Karyn!” The weather was pretty going in, but yick coming out. And we missed snow by about 2 hours!

What luck!

laura October 9, 2011 at 6:50 pm

OMG that was hillarious! Thanks for stopping by my site last week with sits girls!

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Thank you, Laura! You’re site is precious…and now that my life has slowed down a bit and I’m back on a somewhat normal routine, you will certainly see me hanging at your place more often!
Carrie recently posted..The shortest long-ass road trip ever.My Profile

Lisa Guedry October 9, 2011 at 9:22 pm

You two are freakin nuts! Hilarious! And I would love to have seen the face of the “waif” when ya’ll boiled your tires outta there! LOL!

Carrie October 9, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Well, THAT was the odd part. She didn’t bat an eye at the fact A SYRINGE was tucked down in the chair. Like it was donut crumbs or maybe used Kleenex. Just snapped it up, tossed it over on the table and offered another room.

And like I said, this was no Trucker’s Delight motel or something.

Maybe I’m a bit more sheltered than I thought.

Melissa Kirby October 26, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Carrie – You still kill me. I’m glad you found a safe(er) place in C. Springs.
I think I even knew where abouts you stayed 😉 Denny’s is a good hint.

Carrie October 26, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Girl…THAT was a hoot! A trip of a lifetime fo’sho’!

Amy November 4, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I just found your blog today, & something told me to read this post. My cousin & I have a similar story as this one…I have to tell it to you. For my 21st birthday we ( cuz & I ) went to Charlotte NC for the weekend ( concert). Her parents paid & booked us a room. At the time we lived 3 hours away & neither of us had been there before. So with her husband’s directions & my pick up we made it. It was perfect weather so we had the windows rolled down & having a blast. We got off on the exit marked for our hotel & turned left( no sign showing us which way to go)….we shoul’ve turned right. The street was lined with very unhappy looking thugs. I mean gold teeth, pants on the ground & baseball bats. Yes bats!! These people start walking into the street towards our truck. I start yelling lock your door & roll up the window. Needless to say we ended up on the other side of town, my aunt said no way were we stayin at the other hotel. Thanks for reminding me of our weekend!!

Carrie November 4, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Oh, wow. I hate to laugh, but HAHAHAHAHA!!!

THAT is priceless! Of course, I’m thrilled you’re ok, but HAHAHAHA!!!

Are you sure I wasn’t in the pick-up with ya’ll? Cause I can assure you, THIS is the absolute kind of crap I stumble into on a regular basis.

I loved you at “very unhappy looking thugs.” That might very well be one of the best descriptions I have ever heard! On anything!

SO glad you stopped by…please hang around!!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: