There could have been hot firemen and a news crew. Don’t judge.

November 15, 2011 in Hit or Miss...kinda like my dating life.,Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

So, Sunday was kind of a long day.  Race for the cure…getting up at 4:30…boo hoo hoo.

I don’t like saying I’m lazy, but I don’t like paying taxes either.  Truth hurts.

I did nothing Sunday.  But nap.  Twice.

Don’t judge.

After taking in all that beauty rest and then going to bed fairly early, it wasn’t too much of a shock to hear that mind-blowing “BEEP…BEEP…BEEP” of the alarm.

At 3:32 a.m. though?

Oh, it was an alarm all right.

THE SMOKE ALARM.

After about 1.8 seconds when I realized it wasn’t my alarm clock beeping, I sat bolt up in bed.

I crapped.  Not literally, but could have.

I’m writing this as a confession.  Kinda.

You see, when you’re caught off guard in what could possibly be an emergency, you get to see the real you.  Your real thoughts.  Your real emotions.

It’s a bad feeling to hear a smoke alarm screaming in the deathly quiet morning.  3:32 a.m. to be exact.  It’s earlier than that 4:30 a.m. crap.  Actually, it was just under 24 hours from when I got up for the race.

Uh, huh.  See?

Anyway.

Here’s where my confession comes in.

I’m sure you’ve all been asked or thought, “What’s the first thing you’d do or grab in the event of a fire?”

I’ve thought of that.  Here’s the things that always came to my mind:

1.  My bible (Shut up.  Yes, I go to church.  Maybe not every Sunday, but I go.  And God knows I curse a little.  He loves me just like I am.  He laughs at me, too.  So, shut up.)

2.  My Abbie (She’s my yellow Labrador Retriever who passed 2-1/2 years ago.  I live in an apartment and well, had to have her cremated.  Never thought I’d do that…but it’s kinda comforting.  Don’t judge.)

3.  Some clothes/shoes

4.  Maybe if I have time…my makeup.

Well, here’s what I’d REALLY do.  I know, because it’s exactly what I did at 3:32 a.m. when that damn alarm went off.

I jumped out of bed, screamed, “Damn!” cause my left calf was on fire.  Not from a fire in my place, but from the race.  I didn’t stretch.  Loser.

I ran to the kitchen where the smoke alarm was going off and I looked up at it.

I’m sure yours looks the same. Nothing to see here folks, move along.

It was quiet now.  Not one freaking BEEP to be heard.

But still.  I’m nervous.

I throw my nose up in the air like some kind of death row prison dog.  This is serious stuff.

Nothing.  But still…I’m nervous.  You know, it could have been some stupid neighbor who left a candle burning, or a cigarette or something.  Just anything!

It hits me that I better go on through that mental list and get my crap together.  There might be hot firemen here ANY MINUTE!  That smoke alarm smelt something, so get prepared.

So, I fly into the bathroom and I….I….I check my hair.  Bad bedhead, so I start ruffling it up and doing my best in the quickest manner possible to fluff out the bedhead.

Next, I grab my tube of lip gloss and stick it down in my top.  (I was sleeping in a tube top gown that’s all elasticky at the top, so there was some “grab” up there.)

Then I stuck my phone down in there, too.  My boobage area in that elasticky-top gown is like a damn FedEx truck.  Holds all kinds of stuff.

Now, where’s my f’ing hoop earrings?!?  I find them and slip them in.

Then I grabbed my bible and Abbie’s urn.

And I put my sunglasses on my head.  Why?  I don’t know!  I don’t know why I do most shit I do.  I guess to somehow masquerade the bad bedhead?

Who freaking knows.

(I give up on me, too.  You’re not alone here.)

I grab no clothes.  No special little mementos.  No shoes.  No pictures of family.  Not even my purse.

Just all this:

Don't try to figure me out. My shrink still just shakes her head, looks at me and says, "Who ARE you?"

In a state of:

(A) not knowing if I was going to live or die,

(B) not knowing if I was going to be able to ever wear those sweet animal print heels I do so love, and

(3) not knowing if I’d ever see my car again…THIS is what I grab?

I’ve said it before.  I have no shame.

(I probably need to find some though.)

(Cause this shit is sad.)

(I mean, really.  Lip gloss?)

The only thing that (honestly) went through my mind was, “What if there’s hot firemen out there and a news crew?  I can’t be all up interviewing looking like hell.”

I did NOT want to have to defriend any fools on Facebook because they saw me with bedheaded up hair, or no lip gloss or better yet, because they posted the damn news clip!

Cause we all know, when a reporter is at the scene of anything, they’re gonna stick that mic in the face of the most toothless, hair-up-in-rollers-and-shower-cap-over-those-rollers hag they can find there.

That was NOT gonna be me.  No way, no how.

I might embarrass my family, my friends, my co-workers.  But embarrass myself?

Uh, hell to the NO.

So, that’s the real me.  I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone.

(Not really, it just sounds nice.)

(Plus, earlier I said I go to church and should occasionally do my best to sound churchy.)

(Plus plus, we all know I’m way past the age of giving a rats ass what anyone else thinks.)

About 3.8 minutes had passed.  And still nothing.  No more beeps.  No more nothing.

So, I assumed the coast was clear and I could go back to bed.  Which I did.

With my lip gloss still in my elasticky-top.  Just in case.

Now go back through your little mental list of crap you’d grab and re-think it.  I am so grateful it was nothing but my smoke alarm looking for a cheap thrill, but it showed me who I really am.

I’m a woman who believes in God, still loves her dog and refuses to possibly be caught in public with bad hair, no earrings and no lip gloss.

So, sue me.  Truth hurts.

 

(It’s Monday and I’m being “Miss Elaine-ous” over at The Miss Elaine-ous Life!)

Jackie November 15, 2011 at 7:14 pm

I would grab my phone, purse and keys. (in that order). Make-up would still be on from the day before so I would be good on that.. Hope I never have to be interviewed on the news as critical as I have been about others! So glad you had a false alarm!

Carrie November 15, 2011 at 7:18 pm

You know I live for a good news fool on TV.

Big rollers. A tooth out. Kids jumping up behind them looking at the camera. And they always try to pull in a neighbor.

Kat1e November 15, 2011 at 7:16 pm

There are a couple of old Christmas ornaments carefully wrapped in my fireproof safe. I don’t judge. :)
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Carrie November 15, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I should probably put a couple of lip glosses and maybe a bottle of nail polish in something like that.

Essentials.

Jennifer November 15, 2011 at 7:41 pm

One of the BlogHer voices of the year posts was about this and it was so hilarious I was crying. I guess when your life flashes before your eyes what you really need is some lip gloss.
Jennifer recently posted..Oh my aching backMy Profile

Carrie November 15, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Preach it, sister.

Joan @chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate November 15, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I’d like to be sensible and think I’d grab the important things, but I’d probably just run out the door with the old ratty blanket the dog sleeps on around my shoulders.

Oh and I’ll at least get the dog and kids!

I’ll make good TV news though, and I’ve seen our local firemen, they’re not worth make up, but they are all good guys!
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Carrie November 15, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Joan, I know you girl. You’d be dragging out mixing bowls, blenders, food processors…all that stuff!

Or at least bowls and baggies of the goodies from the day before!! =)

Peggy Scarborough November 16, 2011 at 11:25 am

Our front courtyard light has a special switch on it that makes a continuous flash on and off; supposedly, the EMS or firemen can locate the house in need quicker; I’m afraid if I heard my smoke alarm blaring at 3 something in the morning, I’d probably be flashing more than just the courtyard light. For sure, my red lipstick would already be applied.

Carrie November 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Yep. That right there proves I AM my mother’s daughter.

Maren November 16, 2011 at 1:10 pm

This post was the highlight of my day. Made me laugh so much I cried 😀
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Carrie November 16, 2011 at 1:45 pm

HAHA!! So glad you enjoyed it! I promise you though, it is absolutely 100% true.

I felt so stupid the next day when I thought back over how I responded, but well..it is what it is!

And now I know I am who I am!

Krystyn (Krizzy Designs) November 16, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Your list has me cracking up.

I think I’ll get my kids and a box we have with important papers. And, hopefully, my laptop and camera. And, yeah, the cat, and that’s it.
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Carrie November 16, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Smart move…pre-pack a box. I should probably consider that.

God only knows the things I’ll pack.

Jennifer November 16, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Oh- I don’t want this kind of test. Because, honestly, I don’t WANT to know what I would grab. Because I am pretty sure it would be along the same lines as this…
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Carrie November 16, 2011 at 8:07 pm

I’m telling you. You WILL surprise yourself.

Felicia November 16, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Hahahahahahaha!! Lip gloss?! Priceless.

I’d like to think I’d take a tube of red lipstick and my prized Marc Jacobs shoes. Truth is, I’d most likely just run from the house, half-dressed, screaming. I would be the news fool.
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Carrie November 16, 2011 at 9:12 pm

HAHA!! Girl, if I flip on the news and see you being interviewed with rollers in your hair, I am SO coming to the rescue!

Maggie S. November 19, 2011 at 8:53 am

In college, you could always tell the TX gals, because their make-up was fresh and their hair was nice, even if they were working cattle.

I am glad you have standards. The best way to stay off the news and pick up a fireman. You’re a thinker is what you are.
Maggie S. recently posted..Ooooh, My GoodnessMy Profile

Carrie November 19, 2011 at 9:04 am

Ooohhh…THAT is a good thing to say about us Texas girls!

Huge compliment. I’ll take it on all our behalfs.

Though ‘behalfs’ ain’t even a word.

I’m telling you…the older I get the more prepared I see I need to be. Cause one never knows when some hot dude might be needing to throw me over his shoulder and hoist me down the ladder.

=)

Which reminds me. I need to really start walking again.

Elaine November 29, 2011 at 10:15 am

I have three kids so I guess I’d grab them first…. (no, seriously, I would…)

You are SO funny! But what about your tiara that you’re wearing in your picture up there??? ;-P
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Carrie November 29, 2011 at 11:23 am

I know, right? You’d think at my age I’d have my crap together, huh?

But nooo…I’m all worried about lip gloss.

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