We’re all idiots and we all think we all need instructions. But what if it’s an idiot who writes the instructions?

November 12, 2011 in Hit or Miss...kinda like my dating life.

Admit it.  People think people are idiots.

It’s true.  We all do.  There are plenty who I think are idiots and I can assure you, there are puh-lenty who think I am.  Hell, even I admit to that some times.

Therefore, everyone thinks they need to supply instructions for everyone else on how to do things.

On pretty much everything.

Because we all think others need to be instructed or directed on how to do something.  And all those others, think we need it.

Shampoo bottle:  Lather, rinse and repeat.

Packet of airline peanuts:  Open packet.  Eat nuts.

Bottle of aspirin:  Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

Puzzle box:  Some assembly required.

Toaster box:  Do not use in or near water.

Enter.  Do not enter.  Yield.  Watch for children.  Stop.

I think you get it.

I loathe getting my nails done.  Almost as much as sweating, but not quite.  But close.

But it’s an ugly chore I must face at least every 3 weeks.  Or actually, more like 5 weeks cause that’s how long I pushed it this last time between nail-doings.

My nails were beginning to appear homeless.  Or that they belong on a Labrador Retriever.

So, I drag up to the nail shop this morning.  Cause that’s just where I wanna be on a chilly Saturday morning.

The nail shop.

She does’em and doesn’t say much.  At all.  She knows I ain’t there for yacking.

And that’s why I go to  her.  Her ability to non-yack for 49 minutes.  Yes, I time it.  And I push her to beat her last record every time.


I’m now at the nail dryer.  The absolute worst part of the whole crap.  Sitting there.  Like an idiot with your paws stuffed under this humming machine.

All you gotta do is sit there.  Stick your hands under this contraption.  Shut up and wait about 4 minutes.

(For me, it’s more like 2.7 minutes then just hold’em in front of the air vents in the car on the way home while driving with my knees.)

Again.  Anyway.

Got me some instructions working:

Again. All I really gotta do is sit there and shut up.

But what are we idiots supposed to do when it was another idiot that did the instructions?

I couldn’t help it.  I got tickled and started giggling.

This made the whole having to get up, get dressed, kick the wall cause I didn’t wanna go then slam the car door while flipping off my neighbor’s dog all worth it:

I can't make this shit up. I ain't THAT good.

I think what it meant was, “The automatic fan will automatically stop when you move your hands out.”

At least, I hope that’s what it meant to say.

And these were not instructions the nail-doers just typed up and taped on…they were stuck on the machine from the factory or nail-dryer-maker.

This just totally put a new spin on my morning.  It was now filled with “internal” giggles because I didn’t want to have to explain.  Nobody else would have thought it was funny.

You probably don’t even think it’s funny because you might think I’m an idiot.

And if you think that, then I think it back.

So there.  I’m now glad I went to get my hoofs done.  They look better and I’m a little less of an idiot because I now know I have to move out of my hands when using the nail-dryer-thing.

Look around.  You’ll start to see more idiot instructions now.  All because of me.

You’re welcome.

Sandy Nesom November 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Great one!!!! Why is it so hard to be beautiful??? and why do we dread it so much??? I have a hair appt for color next friday… and YES, I dread that too!! Gave up on the nails!!!
Thanks for making me smile, AGAIN!!! Love you!!

Carrie November 12, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I hear you.

Just last night when I went to get my weave trimmed…the girl who does MY hair had jacked hers up. And it was purple.

Yes, it was.

People around me are lucky I even brush my teeth.

Maren November 12, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Hahah, LOVE this! My husband works in Korea, and in the elevator in his apartment there’s a sign saying that he should NOT press the alarm button unless in real distress, but even if he pushes it .. someone might not show up anyway. Whatttt? 😀
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Carrie November 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Friggin’ priceless!

I swear…I see crap like this ALL the time! I certainly can’t be the only one!

Kim November 12, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Awesome. I will be laughing about this all week, to myself of course 🙂
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Carrie November 12, 2011 at 8:52 pm

HA! You’re way cool…come back over here and we’ll just laugh it up!!

Jennifer November 12, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Well your nails look great! I don’t do nails… I have awful nail beds and it just can’t be helped even with a manicure. I do have pedicures, though(during summer) and I don’t like to talk either. I want to relax. I was nodding my head because I KNOW I have seen ridiculous instructions, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.
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Carrie November 12, 2011 at 10:24 pm

I know tons of women who seem to live for that trip to the nail shop. Good for them. Not me. Hate it. Just really glad the girls in my shop are way cool and don’t bother me.

My list of idiot instructions is growing right along with my list of words that make me cringe.

Joan @chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate November 12, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Love it, and you should be doing the mani-pedi, then your hands dry while your feet get done, no dryer. You can keep from kicking the next door neighbor’s dog for at least an hour!
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Carrie November 12, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I usually do. I’d MUCH rather a pedicure over doing my nails. But I’m stupidly cheap. And right now, I want a new iPhone bad.

Like, really bad.

So, I’m cutting every corner I can find to cut to justify affording it.

Bad enough that I did my own feet tonight. And that ain’t happened since 1995.

The neighbor’s dog is going on Craigslist tomorrow if I can snag it and keep it quiet long enough.

mark @ yelling near you November 12, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Oh yes, that’s standard procedure, to move out of your hands. Leave them like gloves under the dryer. These kinds of stupid mistakes amuse me too. Nice find!
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Carrie November 13, 2011 at 5:51 am

The sad thing was, I sat and thought about it for as long as I could stand sitting there.

What the hell could the seriously mean? Whatever.

Karyn November 13, 2011 at 4:31 am

I’m with you, sadly, the US does not have the market cornered on idiots! I had a nail artist ask me once what language we spoke in Australia. I told her ‘Aboriginal.’ She nodded like it was the most logical thing in the world. Dear God. And they breed.
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Carrie November 13, 2011 at 5:52 am

Oh, whoa. What language do you speak in Australia?? That is GOOD.

Never, ever am I amazed. Just once I’d kinda like to be…but I don’t look for it to happen any time soon.

Maggie S. December 15, 2011 at 2:13 pm

—I think Shirley MacLaine can move out of her hands.
—You should go to China. Anybody can get work as a translator. I guess their philosophy is, “Speakers of English don’t give a care.” Anyway. In the airport, there was a girl in a t-shirt that had a picture that looked like “old fashioned ice cream cones” Underneath it said, “World Farmous”. We both nearly had strokes trying to laugh without her knowing.
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