Hey, come on in and don’t pay any mind that naked man.

December 13, 2011 in Hit or Miss...kinda like my dating life.,Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

Listen.

When you’re single and have no tax credits, you can pretty much live as you wish.

Don’t get me wrong and don’t go getting all preachy on me.  I’m sure one day I’ll marry again.  And I’m sure one day I won’t have kids again.  Love’em both.  But I don’t have either now so I don’t live like I do.

(I’m not that bad.)

(But I’m no Disney channel either.)

I took part in a little holiday festivities the other day.  The kind that call for gag gifts.  Which are really the only kind I like to partake in.

(I like that word:  partake.)

Anyway.

I got the best of the best of gag gifts.  Ever.

The kind that will not be re-gifted.  Ever.

And it’s from Italy.

Actually, there were two parts to the gift.  And both parts were from Italy.

(Si, si senorita.)

One part was a real live bottle of Olio Extra Vergine Di Oliva.

(No, not vargina.  Vergine.)

Allow me to translate:  Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

The other part of the gift is hung.

Well, in my kitchen.

Through the garage and up the stairs and into the kitchen....

On the side of my fridge…cause I just couldn’t dare fold him up and put him in a drawer.

(A man I was once married to, I could.  In pieces.)

(But not this one.)

(Is that incriminating or something?  That ass bag.)

My fridge has never looked so good.

It’s an apron.  Yes.  An apron.

How wrong would it be to go on a date and request my date wear this?

At the table.  During dinner.

Or at the movies.  Eating popcorn.  Or really anywhere.

Anyway.

I had to kinda tuck it down between my counter and fridge because well, sometimes that-dude-missing-two-tooths-who-lives-next-door-and-plays-his-music-too-loud will bring over my mail or something.

That would make me look creepy to have a naked man hanging in full view.

(If I wanna go for creepy, I’ll just wear it when I take the trash out.)

(Cause if a chick with stone balls isn’t creepy, I’m quite certain I’m not sure what is.)

So, in my kitchen I have this naked David guy.

Next to the bottle of extra virgin olive oil.

(Ehem.)

So, until the day comes I am no longer living alone and still have no kids, I will live as I wish.

Happy.  Joyful.  Giggly.  Mischievous.

With a naked man on my fridge.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell December 13, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Ok, you are TOO much! I’m not sure I’ll ever get married again either, actually, I’m pretty positive I don’t want to. You and I would get into so much trouble together. I LOVE your sense of humor!
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Playing with Props – WWMy Profile

Carrie December 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Girl, don’t you know it. I am finding it’s more fun to get in trouble now that I’m older.

Cause I can’t get grounded.

Melssa Placzek December 13, 2011 at 9:23 pm

LOVE this post! Great blog, lovely lady! You’re funny. 🙂

an enthusiastic new fan,
xoxo,
~Melissa
http://www.ChinDeep.com

Carrie December 14, 2011 at 6:13 am

HA! Thanks so, so much! I was prowling around your place last night and will be pestering you quite often!

Thanks for the visit!

Jennifer December 13, 2011 at 9:47 pm

And what do you do when the girls come over? As in the minor girls that sometimes come to visit their Aunt Carrie.
Jennifer recently posted..Let’s play a gameMy Profile

Carrie December 14, 2011 at 6:09 am

They’re too cool to hang with Aunt Carrie now. They have a busier social life than most adults I know.

It’s a win/win.

Joanna December 14, 2011 at 2:23 am

Go festive – put a Christmas bow on his junk. 🙂
Joanna recently posted..I Am Laughing HystericallyMy Profile

Carrie December 14, 2011 at 6:10 am

Well…there is a leaf.

The girl who gave the gift cut out a big green leaf and slapped it on.

So, technically…he’s covered. But a bow? That’s goooood.

Maggie S. December 14, 2011 at 7:27 am

Life on the edge….hanging one of the great works of art of human history on the side of your fridge. You know, in person, that statue is 17 ft tall. I would crack a joke about his “bidness”, but the last time I did, someone created a bumper sticker. Suffice to say, you didn’t have to buy these, they were a gift.
Maggie S. recently posted..The Right Way and the Other WayMy Profile

Maggie S. December 14, 2011 at 7:28 am

David called. He said, “Can you please move the knives?”
Maggie S. recently posted..The Right Way and the Other WayMy Profile

Carrie December 14, 2011 at 8:19 am

HAHAHA!!! I thought about those knives when I saw the picture.

Men. They whine about everything. You’d think being 17 ft tall and having “bidness” that is bumper-sticker-worthy would be enough.

But no. Now move the damn knives.

Maren December 14, 2011 at 9:53 am

Oh what a hunk! Droool…. Now I’m definitely my happy returns from a 1month work period in Korea. 😉
Maren recently posted..Surgery sucks. A lot.My Profile

Maren December 14, 2011 at 9:54 am

Uh.. not my happy. My HUBBY. He’s usually happy though,.. dunno what I was thinking there.
Maren recently posted..Surgery sucks. A lot.My Profile

Carrie December 14, 2011 at 9:57 am

Well, “somebody” can’t think straight today!

It is pretty comical…to see first thing at the end of the day.

Jennifer December 14, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I got no problem with that. My grandparents had these two little ceramic frogs that sat on their coffee table. One day, I picked one up and everyone screamed, “NO!” Turns out, one had boobs and a slit and the other one had a frank and beans. They innocently sat on that table for years before I discovered that.
Jennifer recently posted..The Return of PeppermintMy Profile

Carrie December 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Oh, your poor scarred mind.

Frogs.

(I must have them.)
Carrie recently posted..Hey, come on in and don’t pay any mind that naked man.My Profile

Felicia December 14, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I will PAY you to take out the trash wearing that apron. Real cash money. But you have to post a pic!
Felicia recently posted..Scarves as CamoflaugeMy Profile

Carrie December 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Oh, now it’s on. Consider it done.

This weekend. The little cut-out fig leaf is still on it…so I shouldn’t be arrested for indecent exposure or anything.

I’ll see if I can get the neighbor to get a pic.

And I’ll even pass on the cash. Unless I need bail.

Regina December 15, 2011 at 5:55 am

I would love to have an apron like that for my hubby! lol

I miss the days of fun gift exchanges like that.
Regina recently posted..What I Want For ChristmasMy Profile

Carrie December 15, 2011 at 7:04 am

I love those holiday parties with fun gag gifts like this! They’re really worth all the hecticness of the season!

Kim December 15, 2011 at 8:11 am

Ok, I feel a new weekly/monthly post series coming on…Where did Carrie wear her David? Pictures required, fig leaf optional, of course.

Carrie December 15, 2011 at 9:02 am

Oh, you might totally be on to something there…

Britt December 15, 2011 at 9:23 am

I insist that you wear that apron to a bar and/or singles mixer.
If the guy doesn’t get a kick out of it, then he’s not worth your time.

It’s the perfect way to screen candidates.
Bonus points if you can incorporate the Extra Virgin Olive Oil into the mix.

Carrie December 15, 2011 at 10:58 am

Could you imagine?!? HAHA!! But again, this just might work…

Jessica December 15, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Oh, how I would love for Hubs to wear this when he cooks! I would rub his man boob pretend to be muscle chest, and smile. 🙂 And he could pretend I was rubbing him because I liked him again. We’d both be happy.
Jessica recently posted..I’m Such an Old WomanMy Profile

Carrie December 16, 2011 at 7:51 am

I wish my friend who bought this in Italy would have thought about buying LOTS of them…can you imagine the moolah that girl would make selling these things?!?
Carrie recently posted..Hey, come on in and don’t pay any mind that naked man.My Profile

Karyn December 18, 2011 at 8:55 am

I just love whomever it was that gave it to you! Awesome! And what I want to know is…er …what he looks like “down there”> Oh c’mon! I’m not the only one who wants to know this, just the only one who will voice it! 😉
Karyn recently posted..In The Spirit Of The Holidays And All Things GoodMy Profile

Carrie December 18, 2011 at 9:00 am

A sweet girl I work with…she is totally awesome. Best gift ever.

It’s the Statue of David. Sans his noggin. But with a leaf she cut out and taped on.

The best, I’m telling you. The best.

Krystyn (Krizzy Designs) December 18, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Oh, I’d totally have him on my fridge, too..and I’d be tempted to massage him with the EVOO!
Krystyn (Krizzy Designs) recently posted..Easy treats with mommy and a recipe | Mommy and Me Monday | The 96th ed.My Profile

Carrie December 18, 2011 at 10:09 pm

And THAT, my friend…is why I love you.

Amanda December 18, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Haha! You are too funny lady! If only I could have taken you with me to see the actual size of David’s package…it was pretty overwhelming 🙂

Carrie December 19, 2011 at 6:13 am

I would have totally embarrassed you. You have lots of class, but I’m not sure ANYONE has enough for both of us.

And goodness knows, I would have had to borrow lots of it.

Bobbie January 13, 2012 at 7:21 pm

that’s hilarious.
I guess if you had to give a speech you could just picture everyone wearing that apron.

Carrie January 13, 2012 at 11:29 pm

You know, that’s not such a bad idea at all.

Whether I’m giving a speech or not.

Lori February 12, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Omg I am seriously in love.

I want one.

badly
Lori recently posted..Validation.My Profile

Carrie February 12, 2012 at 2:34 pm

And just think. No picking up his shoes or dirty underwear.

Lori February 12, 2012 at 2:38 pm

OMG the benefits.
Lori recently posted..Validation.My Profile

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: