I’d cook more if I had a kid to do the dishes afterwards.

December 27, 2011 in Hit or Miss...kinda like my dating life.

Once upon a time…long, long ago…I wanted children.

Bad.

Like really, really bad.

And if I would have had a child when I was seeing doctors, giving blood, taking all kinds of pills…that kid would be about 10 now.

(Whoa.)

(I mean, really.  Me with a 10 year old.)

(It’d be the hippest kid in class.  Hells yeah.)

Anyway.

Now I don’t want any.

I just don’t.

Love’em…but no thanks.

Plus, I’m too old.  Maybe you aren’t and that’s all fine…but I am.  Way, way too old.

No energy.

No patience.

No love of gummy bears.

(I have two sweet little sugar-faces I call nieces.  That’s more than enough.  MORE.)

If I had a kid, here’s what tonight would look like:

First…mom would call to check on him.

(Yes, “him.”  Cause girls can be so fru-fruey and sappy.  And this is my make-believe, so it’s a boy.)

Mom:  Well, hi my little man!  How was your day?

Him:  Way cool.  It didn’t suck.

Mom:  Now just because your mother constantly uses that word, you shouldn’t talk like that.  What’s she feeding you tonight?

Him:  Pringles.

Mom:  Huh?  Pringles?  Surely that’s not ALL.  What else?

Him:  No.  Just Pringles.

Mom:  Well, what’d you have for lunch?

Him:  Nae Nae, she made me eat sushi.  She MADE me eat it.

(He’d secretly love it.)

(And yes.  Nae Nae.  The sound a horse makes.)

(Totally hip.  She has a nose ring.  See?)

Mom:  Let me talk to your mother.

He’d give me a high-five and a thumbs up as he quietly snickered while handing the phone over.

Then she’d go into this whole ordeal about how I should really cook more and she’d end up bringing him over some shrimp gumbo left over from Christmas (because it’s always better 2-3 days later) all the while never catching on to the fact we both had it planned and scripted out just so we could get a free meal delivery of shrimp gumbo.

I mean, we’d practice for at least 30 minutes with different scenarios depending on the different possible paths that conversation could go.

It ain’t easy having a kid.  I get that.

(And they say I’M not the smart sister.)

(Puh-leez.)

He’d be the perfect little con-artist.

But.

Since I don’t have a kid, I’ll just do what I do best for dinner:

Less clean up than a full-fledged meal.

(Full-fledged.  Who even says that anymore??)

I’d do more, but I don’t have a kid to do the dishes.

 

Peggy Sterling Scarborough December 27, 2011 at 7:03 pm

I’d bring you some left over shrimp etoufee, but your dad ate the last of it.
You’re good at roping me into fake scenarios. ha!
AND it’s not a nose ring, it’s a diamond nose stud; have a little class, would ya?

Green Chili Enchiladas on the menu tomorrow. Want some?
Your dad will do my dishes.

Mom

Carrie December 27, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Shit. Maybe I just need to find a man. They’re probably a bit cheaper.

You know. No college and crap.

Joan @chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate December 27, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Hey Nae Nae, I have 3 kids, call here and ask them what I’ve been feeding them for dinner! I’m a great baker but only an ok cook, lol. It’s leftover city till all that Christmas ham is gone!

Carrie, we can work out a deal, you can use my kids for free food and I’ll do your dishes (wine glasses)

And the man thing, not sure they’re cheaper, hopefully the kids will leave home one day!

Oh and the boy thing, at 10 he’s ignoring you because he’s on his x-box and unless you can kill crap faster than him, you’d better stay out of the way! Girls may be whinny and prissy but they like to shop for shoes and eat at places with cloth napkins.

And I’m a slacker, I know, there’s crap going on at our post office right now so your apron is sitting on the dresser till next week when I venture over to the “big city” and mail it off from that post office.

Hugs!

And Nae Nae, call me!
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Carrie December 27, 2011 at 8:48 pm

HAHAHA!! I guess it’s obvious I know NOTHING about kids.

Except the fact that they’ll eat ice cream for dinner or live on chips and salsa.

(Thank you, sweet sugar-face nieces.)

No rush on the apron…I’m still ELATED over that! =)

Peggy Scarborough December 29, 2011 at 8:34 am

I was hoping you fed your kids CHOCOLATE!
What’s 3 more kids! Send them over!
Sure hope they like down home Southern Soul & Cajun Food to go along with all that chocolate!
Menu for New Years: Collard Greens w/hog jowls, Black eyed Peas w/hog jowls, Smothered Cabbage w/hog jowls, Pork Roast, rice & gravy, hot skillet buttered cornbread. Can’t forget the Pecan Pudding; that’s a store bought Pecan Pie (mixed w/a mixer) and a large tub of Cool Whip, NO hog jowls. (recipe from Sweet Potato Queen’s Big Ass Cookbook & Financial Planner by Jill Conner-Browne). Excuse me while I double up on my cholestrol meds for New Years.
All worth it! Just thought of my new motto for the coming year: I’d rather have hog jowls in my skillets than the govern’t in it! How’d that look on a bumper sticker? lol! What time you sending your kids over ’cause I’m on my way to the gym? 🙂

mark December 27, 2011 at 9:46 pm

You have two of the main food groups represented there so I think you’re doing great! Alcohol and salt are present but where’s the chocolate and cheese?

p.s. your request for shoe pictures has been fulfilled.
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Carrie December 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

Fear not. Had those little appetizers earlier in the day.

Joanna December 28, 2011 at 1:01 am

And then there are days when you would gladly sell your spawn for a pack of gum just so you could have some peace and quiet. Oh and fresh breath.
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Carrie December 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

Sing it, sister. I know after about 3 hours with the nieces, I’m all like, “Ya’ll think you might wanna hang with your mom now?!? She is totally cool!”

Karyn December 28, 2011 at 6:04 am

Ive have your kid!!! I totally do!! (Maybe we can share him?) Something like divorced parents, you can have him every other weekend and the occasional public holiday and I, I would get a welcome break to be able to drink wine and eat bad food without feeling the guilt of having to cook a ‘proper, healthy’ meal! What’dya say? Merry Christmas by the way, I’m totally late, but you know me, its usual. xxx
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Carrie December 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

As long as you send him with food and spending money, we might can work something out.

And you can’t complain about any new words or hand gestures he learns. =)

Jennifer December 28, 2011 at 11:48 am

Yeah- they don’t do your dishes for you. Just sayin’.
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Carrie December 28, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Well, by not doing them they probably still do them better than me.

And more often.

Maren December 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Haha, you crack me up! I’m on the fence about kids, and people find that completely crazy. Sometimes I say I’m barren :p haha!
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Carrie December 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I am totally OVER that fence and not even peering through it anymore.

But I’m too old. And too set in my ways. And well, love my nieces too much to make them share me.

Yeah. That sounds good.

Young American Wisdom December 28, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Nae Nae has a nose ring! I want a Nae Nae. Is she for hire?

If they do the dishes, they’re done half-assed. You’d just have to do them over again and then you might spill your wine. The dishes thing is overrated. Enjoy your wine and Pringles in peace.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas!
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Carrie December 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I hate that NaeNae is cooler than me.

Mom’s aren’t supposed to be hip.

Christmas was fab…and I sure hope yours was, too. You always have some sort of fun going on at your place!

Peggy Scarborough December 29, 2011 at 8:18 am

Carrie, the apple and the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree!
Look in the mirror!

Mom

Maggie S. December 29, 2011 at 6:58 am

My girls could cook the dinner when they were 12. But they would totally be in on the fake scenario thing, too.

Carrie December 29, 2011 at 8:48 am

Cook when they were 12?!? Dear Lord, all I could do at 12 was mac and cheese.

However, that alone would make a pretty awesome holiday meal if you ask me.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell December 29, 2011 at 7:13 am

You crack me up! And if it makes you feel any better, I have two kids and neither one does the dishes, so you’re not missing out on that. 😉
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Peggy Scarborough December 29, 2011 at 8:17 am

Liz, I had 3 girls and neither of them did the dishes.
Wait! Maybe after a screaming fit the dishwasher was loaded and/or unloaded.
Look at Carrie now! She turned out fabulous & no dishpan hands, either!
The other two are pretty fabulous, also! 🙂

Carrie December 29, 2011 at 8:50 am

Nothing fun to doing dishes.

Which is totally why I don’t even need a sink. Straight into the dishwasher. That “soaking” stuff is all a myth.

Melissa December 29, 2011 at 5:22 pm

can’t. stop. laughing 🙂

xoxo,
~Melissa

Carrie December 29, 2011 at 8:20 pm

=) HA! Laughter is totally the best med.

Krystyn (Krizzy Designs) December 30, 2011 at 9:37 am

I love that you’ve involved said hypothetical kid in a scheme to get food delivered….now that’s smart thinking.

Maybe you should just call your mom and tell her you think you are pregnant and eating pringles for dinner…I bet that would work, too!
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Carrie December 30, 2011 at 9:47 am

HAHAHA!!! She would DIE. And oh, man…the family rumors that would fly!

Well, hang on. Things HAVE been a bit slow around here lately….

Poppy December 30, 2011 at 10:54 am

That totally looks like my dinner last night. Though I had popcorn too. I’m still not sure I want kids. Shit, my oldest is 13. Don’t tell her, ok?
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Carrie December 30, 2011 at 1:36 pm

You’re secret is safe here. Trust me on that.

And you know…since I like living on the edge, I just might toss in some Jiffy Pop tonight.

Great idea there, my friend.

Linda @ My Name is Momma December 30, 2011 at 11:18 am

hmm…that really is a great scheme! Thanks for the idea : )

Carrie December 30, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I’ll try most anything for free food.

Except a date with a jackass. Done that enough to know it’s worth going hungry.

Kika December 30, 2011 at 1:27 pm

BAHAHAHA! carrie!
you my dear woman, just made. my. year.
hahaha yes just with this post, I’m dying over here!

all I have to say is more, MoRe, MORE!
would it be too much to ask to post every day?
twice a day?
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Carrie December 30, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I’m flattered. Tickle-y flattered.

But believe me. A little of me goes a long way. I’m kinda like a couple of bottles of wine.

Too much at one time and you’ll barf.

Fashionista Era December 30, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Hahha this is so funny!! :)) put a smile on my face!!

following you!! follow me back if you like 🙂

cheers
hanz
http://www.fashionistaera.blogspot.com
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Carrie December 30, 2011 at 1:48 pm

YAY! I’m thrilled and headed your way now!

wendy December 30, 2011 at 2:42 pm

i thought i’d read the best part of this post and then i got to one of your replies: “Too much at one time and you’ll barf.” awesome. i nearly spit out my water on the keyboard. Gross but true.

and what is that in the container next to that beautiful red wine? i can’t quite make it out.

peace, southern soul sister! i dig reading your stuff.

Carrie December 30, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Girl, that’s my little 100 calorie Pringles thing. Who cares that I eat 7.

I’m telling you like I tell any date I might have…I know my limits. And yours. A little of me goes a long way.

It’s for your own safety.

SO ecstatic you’re here…and even more glad you used the word “dig.” I haven’t used that in a while, so I will totally be running THAT one in the ground now.

Jessica December 30, 2011 at 8:55 pm

You’re totally right. The 14 year old’s only consistent chore (because we’re too tired to follow through on adding more) is doing dishes. AND.I.LOVE.IT. He rinses and loads the dishwasher, and because I’m anal about things, I check his loading and then put in soap and start it. Then he’ll unload. It’s fantastic. Unfortunately, they still get fed Pringles for dinner.
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Carrie December 30, 2011 at 9:16 pm

“Unfortunately, they still get fed Pringles for dinner.”

I DAMN NEAR CHOKED ON MY LEAN CUISINE PIZZA ON THAT ONE!! Friggin priceless…I love it!!

fashionista era January 1, 2012 at 7:57 am

Hey sweets thanks for stopping by for my discount offer at romwe! hope you are enjoying the shopping spree 🙂

Love the write up 🙂 very fun and im sure keeps you on your toes!!

cheers
hanz
http://www.fashionistaera.blogspot.com
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Kim January 1, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Seriously, my dogs are laying on the couch next to me, trying to sleep, and they keep shooting me dirty looks because I can’t stop laughing. With each comment and reply it gets more funny.

P.S. Love Nae Nae. And her classy diamond nose stud.

Peggy Scarborough January 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Thank you for the kudos, Kim!
You know class when you see it, or maybe hear about it…lol!

Carrie January 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Poor pups.

NaeNae is a damn hoot. She gets better with age. But reminds me of just how unhip and old I can be.

CrazyNutsMom January 2, 2012 at 7:29 am

You forgot one problem to this having kids to do dishes. You have to wait until they are at least 7, 8 if you don’t want them to drop all your dishes and break things. It’s a loooong wait to get the pay off. 🙂

And I have been known to feed my kids cookies or pizza for breakfast, because they wanted it and w were in a hurry. Don’t tell my husband 🙂
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Carrie January 2, 2012 at 8:56 am

Pizza for breakfast is THE BEST. EVER.

Sandy Nesom January 2, 2012 at 5:46 pm

this was great!! I just now and catching up…. you might hit Melanie up, she is now a single parent with a 11 year old BOY….. he eats lots of junk and I don’t think they do dishes either!! Peggy…. you keep it real!!! Love you Both!! <3

Elaine January 2, 2012 at 11:25 pm

My oldest needs to start doing some dishes already. I got a stool just the right height for the sink.

p.s. exactly which type of wine goes best with Pringles? ;P
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Felicia January 12, 2012 at 9:06 pm

My dad always said the reason people have kids is so they have someone to do the stuff parents don’t wanna do. Like wash dishes.
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Carrie January 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Don’t I know it. My mom is a testament to that.

“Hey, bring me the phone!”

“Will you come get your clothes up?!?”

“Will you get in that kitchen and get dinner started!!!”

OK. Maybe I got a bit carried away with that last one. Words like that have never been directed at me. Not on purpose anyway.

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