Below is just a random sampling of stuff that’s left my mouth this week.
Some of it was said at the work joint, some said to friends, some said to family, some said to my shrink and some said to just me.
(Cause, let’s face it. Sometimes, I’m really the only one that listens to me.)
Well, actually only one of these things was said to me. You can try to figure out which one.
And in no particular order, we have:
“I don’t care that you’re 12 and I’m not your mother. You’re at my apartment eating my food. So get in the shower, shampoo your hair, scrub your pits and clean your ladybits, too.”
“Yeah, I heard he called Adele fat. But really…he’s a wrinkly, bitter old man with a greasy gray pony-tail. Who the thought of being naked with just made me throw up a little in mouth.”
“I swear I just laughed my balls off.”
“Well, if you weren’t updating your Facebook status at 10:38 a.m., you could get me the crap I asked for.”
“I love me some Snoop Dogg. And I bet I’m the only 42 year old lilly-white girl you’ve ever heard say that.”
“When you make .60 on the dollar, live in 4” heels for 10 hours a day and let people talk to your tits, then you can toss that word “equal” my way.”
“Snazzy, I’ll take. Not sure I’ve ever been called that.” (But I’m still not going in your office with you.)
“I’m secure enough with myself I can say when I appreciate a woman’s figure. Like, I think Pamela Anderson is hot. But I’m not sexually attracted to women. I don’t want wet stuff on me.”
“Take these cupcakes home and give’em to your 2 year old. No 2 year old can have too much sugar as long as they’re far away from me.”
“Except for the fact you won’t even entertain the idea of getting me a porta-potty for my cube, yeah I think you’re a cool boss.”
“They all think I’m off the deep end. But if they’d look at their fucking life they’d see they’re treading water right there with me.”
“Dude, don’t start on me. I have a zit. Can you not see it?”
“Ahhh…you’re cleaning your womb this week. I get it now. Totally know the feeling.”
“I said no twice already. I don’t want the fried fish. You want me to have gas the rest of the day?”
“Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. Will this be take-out or delivery?”
I just re-read all of this.
And I lied earlier.
I didn’t say any of this to me.