If it’s gotta be said, well I’m your girl.

February 11, 2012 in Me and My Public Self

Below is just a random sampling of stuff that’s left my mouth this week.

Some of it was said at the work joint, some said to friends, some said to family, some said to my shrink and some said to just me.

(Cause, let’s face it.  Sometimes, I’m really the only one that listens to me.)

Well, actually only one of these things was said to me.  You can try to figure out which one.

And in no particular order, we have:

“I don’t care that you’re 12 and I’m not your mother.  You’re at my apartment eating my food.  So get in the shower, shampoo your hair, scrub your pits and clean your ladybits, too.”

“Yeah, I heard he called Adele fat.  But really…he’s a wrinkly, bitter old man with a greasy gray pony-tail.  Who the thought of being naked with just made me throw up a little in mouth.”

“I swear I just laughed my balls off.”

“Well, if you weren’t updating your Facebook status at 10:38 a.m., you could get me the crap I asked for.”

“I love me some Snoop Dogg.  And I bet I’m the only 42 year old lilly-white girl you’ve ever heard say that.”

“When you make .60 on the dollar, live in 4” heels for 10 hours a day and let people talk to your tits, then you can toss that word “equal” my way.”

“Snazzy, I’ll take.  Not sure I’ve ever been called that.”  (But I’m still not going in your office with you.)

“I’m secure enough with myself I can say when I appreciate a woman’s figure.  Like, I think Pamela Anderson is hot.  But I’m not sexually attracted to women.  I don’t want wet stuff on me.”

“Take these cupcakes home and give’em to your 2 year old.  No 2 year old can have too much sugar as long as they’re far away from me.”

“Except for the fact you won’t even entertain the idea of getting me a porta-potty for my cube, yeah I think you’re a cool boss.”

“They all think I’m off the deep end.  But if they’d look at their fucking life they’d see they’re treading water right there with me.”

“Dude, don’t start on me.  I have a zit.  Can you not see it?”

“Ahhh…you’re cleaning your womb this week.  I get it now.  Totally know the feeling.”

“I said no twice already.  I don’t want the fried fish.  You want me to have gas the rest of the day?”

“Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.  Will this be take-out or delivery?”

I just re-read all of this.

And I lied earlier.

I didn’t say any of this to me.

Blog Wobble February 11, 2012 at 4:37 pm

LOL!

Lisa Guedry February 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Oh God I needed this today!!!! Thanks honey…and we both know you have bigger balls than most of the men we know!

Carrie February 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Which is probably a lot of the reason I stay in the trouble I stay in.

Amanda February 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I am appalled that your boss won’t let you have a port-a-potty at your cubicle! Of all the unreasonable things I’ve ever heard, that takes the cake!
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Carrie February 11, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I know, right?!?

I’ll wear him down though…to the bone.

And one day, the angels will sing and there will be a bright glow surrounding that hot pink and bedazzled up beauty sitting right there in my cube.

All for me.

fashionista era February 12, 2012 at 3:03 am

The ability to be yourself and say exactly whats on your mind is fab hun, it makes reading more pleasurable!! And laughed my head off..Snoop dog huh hahaha :))

Carrie February 12, 2012 at 11:00 am

Girl, the older I get…the worse I get.

And I’m fine with that. =)

A Boy's Mom February 12, 2012 at 8:32 am

I would like to hang out with you for a day and take notes.

That being said, most of these things I wouldn’t be able to say to my 5th graders, so I’d have to censor 😉

You’re a rock star!
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Carrie February 12, 2012 at 11:01 am

Taking notes could get both of us in trouble.

Last thing I need for anything I say is evidence.

=)

Maren February 12, 2012 at 11:00 am

Haha, you crack me up! 😀 You need a national TV-show. 😀
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Maren February 12, 2012 at 11:00 am

Or, rather, *I* need you to have a national TV-show 😀
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Carrie February 12, 2012 at 11:02 am

HAHA!!! This country is in enough trouble as it is. The last thing any of us need is ME doling out any kind of information, advice or wisdom on anything.

AND I MEAN ANYTHING.

(Love you!)

Jennifer February 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

“Cleaning your womb…” I die.
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Carrie February 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I got that from Iris.

I use it every chance I get.

mark February 12, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Treading water with you is awesome. Sounds like a good week!
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Carrie February 12, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Well, I can’t complain. Now I can’t speak for those around me, but I sure can’t.

=)

Amanda February 12, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I feel very fortunate to have been present for a few of those! I definitely almost tinkled on myself during the “snazzy”one.

Carrie February 12, 2012 at 10:07 pm

No doubt there are many people singing your praises and giving thanks that YOU are stuck with hearing my crap so they don’t have to.

But I’m the lucky one…you’re A-OK in my book, Tutz!!

Jessica February 12, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Ooooooo, a tally of all the crud I say. Not a shabby post idea at all!! You don’t want a porta potty at your desk. Too stinky. How about at least one desk away?
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Carrie February 12, 2012 at 10:30 pm

You have completely left the door wide open for me to respond with:

“My shit don’t stink.”

But I won’t go there. I can’t do that to you. I like you way, way too much.

Plus, girl you know my porta-potty would be hot pink with a zebra striped door and blinged out till it was nothing nice. The appearance of it would be so overwhelming, you’d totally lose that smelling ability.

Jennifer February 13, 2012 at 7:30 am

Whole list=love.
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Carrie February 13, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I kinda wish that was the “whole” list.

It ain’t.

=)
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Connie Weiss February 13, 2012 at 11:07 am

Some of that sounds like stuff I used to say at work.

Stuff that got me *laid off* for not being able to get along with people. I still don’t understand how telling someone to Cease and Desist is a bad thing. It’s better than what I COULD have said.
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Carrie February 13, 2012 at 1:01 pm

YOU not able to get along with people??! No freaking way.

I get along with everyone. Well, as long as they get along with me.

(Seriously though…I have way more fun than should be legal.)

wendy February 13, 2012 at 11:11 am

oh, ms. carrie, it’s so good to sit down and read your stuff. i’ve been going through withdrawal!

you know what i like? “They all think I’m off the deep end. But if they’d look at their fucking life they’d see they’re treading water right there with me.” it’s good because i think so many of us get stuck there, looking down our noses and being all super judge-y pants at the people around us. but there is no looking “down” at crap — we may not want to acknowledge it, but we’re all splashing around in the deep end of the same pool. some days we’re just swimming a little stronger than others.
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Carrie February 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Yep. We’re all treading water for one reason or another.

I get tired of it. But what are my options? That’s what I thought.

I will say, some of my best therapy is reading other blogs. So many make me feel so not alone with the daily juggles we all face.

You’re such a charm. Thank you. =)
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Maggie S. February 13, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I was told I was a bad parent this week.
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Carrie February 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm

If it was by someone you doesn’t know you…then who cares. What do they know?

If it was by your kids…then you’re doing your job. I’d take THAT as a huge compliment.

Maggie S. February 13, 2012 at 3:10 pm

AAAGGGH…It’s like I am on an old-fashioned typewriter. I am very very aware of how I express myself these days. I wish I were still funny.
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Maggie S. February 13, 2012 at 3:11 pm

You, on the other hand, are hilarious. Keep going. You make the world a better place.
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Carrie February 13, 2012 at 5:21 pm

HAHA!! The less I find myself concerned about what others think….the better my world is.

And could I love you more? I think not.

Regina February 13, 2012 at 4:51 pm

You are my hero!
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Carrie February 13, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Hero might be stretching it.

However, I have been called much, much worse. =)

Regina February 13, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Well you are saying what I scream in my head.

Only once in a while, do I let it slip. lol
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Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell February 13, 2012 at 5:28 pm

LOL! You are hilarious! I had to read the list twice!
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Kim February 14, 2012 at 2:17 pm

There are several of these that I will be stealing. Actually, I am going to make it a goal to use “Snazzy” before the day is done.
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jennie February 16, 2012 at 6:06 pm

too funny! yes I coulda said a number of those
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Becca February 17, 2012 at 12:47 am

You are too hilarious! I almost never say anything as witty as you manage! 😉
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Melssa Placzek February 17, 2012 at 10:35 am

LOVE this. Too funny. So many things I think and don’t say. You’ve inspired me to change that a little bit 🙂

xoxo,
~Melissa
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Felicia March 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm

“I don’t want wet stuff on me”?! I love you.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down March 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

ahahahahaha i just spewed coffee onto my computer screen. Next time I know not to drink anything while reading your blog
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