And here’s what a naked face and ratty-ass, lookin-like-I-just-crawled-outta-bed hair will get you.

March 24, 2012 in Me and My Public Self

Well, it appears I have joined Kanye in the ranks of jackassism.

This morning, I decided it was time to get back to doing something remotely healthy.

Besides breathing.

So, off to do my downtown walking and/or running, I go.

Pumped up on 5-Hour Energy, a naked face and ratty-ass, lookin-like-I-just-crawled-outta-bed hair, I find a prime parking spot, grab my iPod thing and pop out of the car.

The stretching begins.  Earbuds jammed in my ears.

Juvenile (a {probably} criminal rapper that no church-going girl should listen to or admit to listening to) starts rapping “Back that Azz Up” in my ears and yes…I’m rapping along.

(I’m hip like that.)

Just as I take my first step on a downtown journey of probably over an hour, I screech to a halt.

Where are my keys?

Oh, I’ll tell you where.  IN THE FRIGGIN LOCKED CAR.

I crapped.

(Quite possibly literally.  I don’t remember.)

In my mind, I hear me say, “OK…you’re a big girl.  This is nothing.  Walk your lame-ass self across the street to that swanky-ass hotel and just call Yellow Cab.  They’ve done the unlocking thing for you before, you jackass.”

And that’s precisely what I do.  Calm and cool.

The clerk of this swanky-ass hotel makes the call for me.  After he asked me if I was even old enough to drive a car.

Me:  “You’re a funny man and I’m 43, so yes.  I’m old enough…please call.”

(He was really nice I just wasn’t reeeeeally in the mood.)

Now, remember the guy who played that bad-ass lawyer, Eugene, on that show The Practice?  That’s the Yellow Cab driver who came to my rescue.

(Well, he looked like Eugene.  Could have been his twin.  But it wasn’t actually Eugene.)

(But should I ever kill a man…I’m calling Eugene.  That is one bad mofo.)

Total Bad-to-the-bone mofo.

Anyway.

“Eugene” wasn’t in a too-hot mood, I could tell.

(After all, some honky-ass white girl probably interrupted his coffee and newspaper because she apparently can’t remember her keys need to go WITH her when she leaves her car.)

I pointed to my car parked across the street and I meet him over there.

After my incessant questioning of “how often do you have to do this?” and “you work everyday?” and “I bet you’re really glad that music festival is over, huh?” and “how long have you done the cab thing anyway?”…Eugene was smiling and being rather polite.

We are now totally cool with each other and he is yacking my ears off.

(As I was his.)

We’re almost like long-lost friends at this point.

(He just gave up actually.  I wore him down.  Just like I do every other man in my life.)

After about 8 minutes, my car is open.  Alarm screaming and people driving past are saying, “Look at that douche.  She locked herself out of her car!” I’m sure.

I tell him to meet me back at the swanky-ass hotel so I can get his $40 from the ATM.

(Hellz yeah.  $40 for 8 minutes.  I’m in the wrong line of business, fo sho.)

Here’s where it gets good.

I go in the hotel and he parks over around the corner (where you really can’t see his yellow cab) then comes around to meet me at the entrance.

He is standing at the entrance of this swanky-ass hotel waiting on me to come back out.

I come trotting out (because he’s a busy man and I’m elated and relieved it cost me ONLY $40) and there he stands.

With my naked face and ratty-ass, lookin-like-I-just-crawled-outta-bed hair I trot up to him, give him a big-ass hug and hand him the money.

Me:  “Thank you so much!  You’re the man!  Simply amazing and I really, really appreciate it!”

“Eugene:”  “Aww…don’t mention it, my lady.  Just don’t you go making a habit of doing this kind of thing!”

Me:  “Don’t worry…I’m all good now but if I do, I’m calling you!”

And as he starts walking back around the corner to his yellow cab and I start walking back across the street to my car, in slow motion I turn and my eyes are immediately fixed on this family standing at the entrance of the swanky-ass hotel.

The mother is glaring at me hard and slowly pulls her 10ish year old daughter closer to her.

I smile and say “Morning” as I stroll on by and across the street to the car.

Then it hit me.

She heard everything.

So, in her mind…I was paying for some “male services” and my “male servicer” was leaving.

From the hotel!

Where (in her mind) I must be staying because I have a naked face and ratty-ass, lookin-like-I-just-crawled-outta-bed hair!

From the hotel!

I just kept walking back to the car.  Wasn’t even gonna try and clear that little episode up.

Just let her think what she wants.

(It’s none of my business what others think of me anyway, right?)

I stuck my key in my sports bra, locked my purse back in the car and jammed the earbuds back in.

And I walked.  And I ran.  And I giggled.

(And I sweated my balls off.)

(For well over an hour.)

And because of me, Austin, TX might have one less family visit next year.

All that, my friends, is what a naked face and ratty-ass, lookin-like-I-just-crawled-outta-bed hair will get you:

A total bad-to-the-bone mofo TV lawyer who can get your keys out of your locked car with a smile and a hug.

Lisa Guedry March 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I literally just laughed out loud! That’s hilarious! You HOOKER!

Carrie March 24, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Total slut. I know.

I’m telling you…dude has it going on making $40 for 8 minutes.

I’d be totally illegal if I did anything for that much for that little. You can bet on that shit.

Chrissy March 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

OMG you crack me up… I can totally see this happening like a scene from Pretty Woman or something like that….

Carrie March 24, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Yes. This was very me.

However, this morning? Not one thing pretty about it. Trust me on that.

Kirsten March 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Man! I am in the long line of work, I totally need to learn how to (legally) get peoples keys out of their locked cars. I’d make a mint during tourist season.
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Carrie March 24, 2012 at 6:28 pm

You ain’t kidding.

And don’t think I didn’t consider asking him if he needed an assistant.
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Blog Wobble March 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm

LSHMSFOAIDMT – Laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Awesome!
(Thought is was fitting for the hilarity)
(Maybe not?)
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Carrie March 24, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Oh, no…on THIS blog…that is TOTALLY fitting!!!

Nathalie March 24, 2012 at 6:22 pm

OHHHH!!! SO THAT WAS YOU?!

Lol, just kidding, totally still over her in NC, although that was freaking hilarious! I would so totally wind up in this kind of situation. And then blush. A lot. ;0)
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Carrie March 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I wish I could still blush.

I’ve put myself in so many situations like this…it’s damn near impossible these days.

Holly from 300 Pounds Down March 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

HAHAHA…ok that is hilarious. But seriously…yellow cab can get your keys out of a locked car? Is that something all cabbies come equipped with knowing how to do? I have never heard of this before!! I would have probably called triple A but this is good to know. Secondly….I’m wondering if that woman was looking at you strange because paying ONLY 40 bucks to get serviced by Eugine from The Practice is kind of a low number right? Maybe she was thinking..hmm…did she have a coupon I didn’t get?? And the whole thing could have been traumatizing but you handled it with grace under pressure!!
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Carrie March 24, 2012 at 6:38 pm

OMG…you have me screaming!!

A COUPON?!? HHAHAHAAH!!!

Well, she didn’t see how much I paid! I mean, I didn’t stand there and count out a bunch of one’s!!

Oh, my God…this is friggin priceless! I love you, girl!!!

Karine March 24, 2012 at 6:59 pm

hahahah!!! I bet “Eugene” was happy that although it was a Saturday morning and your keys were locked in your car, you were still nice & peppy – most people would’ve have been a jerkweed or asshat! ;)
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Carrie March 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Very true…very true!

I like that spin on it!

Barbara March 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm

You crack me up! Oh, and 8 minute = $40? I’m getting one of those car door opener deals and starting a business.
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Carrie March 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm

You ain’t lying. I didn’t think it was legal to make that much in such little time.

Maren March 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Hahahahaha I love this! Also, fantastic work on the workout! Amazing! Keep it up, Carrie :)
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Carrie March 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm

You’re a total inspiration.

Kim Pugliano @The G is Silent March 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Flipping awesome. I SO wish that had been me. Seriously. You’ll ALWAYS have that story. I don’t know what to write about for yeahwrite.me on Tuesday and THAT would have gotten me TWO WINS IN A ROW. Amazing.

Simply amazing.

Imagine if it had happened exactly the same only AFTER you ran, so you’d be having this conversation with Eugene of the huge nostrils and you’d be a naked-faced, bed-head, sports-bra wearing SWEATY MESS, like in the crotch area especially where I get all sweaty during my run.

I’m stealing your story but switching it up like that.
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Carrie March 25, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Steal away, girl…steal away.

And now I KNOW I did some good work yesterday because YOU just had me howling and I’m sore and hurting in places I didn’t know could even be sore just from a little exercise!!

And yeah…sweaty and shit would have been way better!

Amanda March 25, 2012 at 8:48 pm

That is fucking hilarious!!!

If it had been me walking out of that hotel with my little cherubs, I’d have started laughing. I might even had told my boys what a “walk of shame” is! hahahaha!
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Carrie March 25, 2012 at 9:04 pm

It was pretty good.

And the more I re-live it in my head as the weekend goes…the funnier it gets.

Mostly because that’s just typical crap I get my ass into.

Thank God there weren’t cops around I would have had to “explain” things to. It would have been easy of course, because the hotel dude would have vouched for me and the yellow cab was just around the corner.

But just thinking of knowing that one day in my life I had to explain to the cops I was NOT soliciting male prostitution is a little too much.

Even for me.

(But funny as shit never-the-less!)

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell March 25, 2012 at 11:20 pm

It’s the only time in your life you’ll probably be confused for one so revel in it, baby. That’s kinda fun!
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Carrie March 26, 2012 at 8:14 am

I always like the way you think!!

In my mind, I’ll just live on the edge for a while!

Jamie March 25, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Bahahahahaha!! That is hysterical!

I’m glad to know I’m not the only person who locks keys in the car. Doesn’t it make you feel like the BIGGEST idiot?!?!
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Carrie March 26, 2012 at 8:15 am

Oh, idiot is putting it lightly.

I just froze when I realized it, then thought, “I’ll just call somebody.”

Uh, my phone was in my purse that was in my car that was locked.

I was way beyond ‘idiot’ at that point. =)

fashionista era March 26, 2012 at 12:24 am

GOSH!! Hhahahahaha….that is sooooo hilarious and guess what your not alone. I keep losing my keys or forgetting to take my phone or something likethat. And i got locked in my own place once lol…i know disgraceful and the cops told me to check with neighbours and ppl before them. So much for HELP and till that point i wasnt even freaking out until they told me to check all my options. So well anyways, my neighbours are sweethearts and managed to help as the damn door was just jammed and luckily had nothing to do with the keys. lol. its funny now, but at the time I ALMOST crapped in my pants too lol :p

Dont bother about the world hun ;) You are the best!!

Carrie March 26, 2012 at 8:19 am

Now, Hanz…you might have topped me there!! HAHA!!

Locked IN your own place?!? I love that…priceless! You’re a doll, girl!

Maggie S. March 26, 2012 at 10:14 am

OMGawsh! I thought the cops were gonna pick you up. I am so glad you just freaked out a mom!
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Carrie March 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I can only imagine the stories that mom is gonna bring back home with her.

I was really representing that morning.

Bonnie March 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

HILARIOUS. I want to spend a day in your life. Just once.

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88
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Carrie March 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

All I can say to that is:

WATCH WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

=)

Yum Yucky March 26, 2012 at 3:40 pm

LOL! So glad I didn’t skim read. That’s an epic story of non-prostitution at its finest.
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Carrie March 26, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Now I like that: Non-prostitution at it’s finest.

That’s good.

Kinda risque’ sounding, but yet clean.

I’ll take it!! =)

Julie March 26, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Holy crap. I just spit out “my spring break sucks” margarita over this post. Thanks for a much needed laugh. I truly know what blog I want to read when I want to laugh out loud. My life would be complete to be confused with a hussy.

Carrie March 27, 2012 at 11:41 am

Your “spring break sucks” margarita?!? FRIGGIN PRICELESS!!

I’m telling you, that confusion aint’ sounding too bad on the dull days. Not too bad at all.

The Mother Freakin' Princess March 27, 2012 at 11:27 am

LMAO!!! OMG…I *NEED* to figure out how to share a drink with you in person!
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Carrie March 27, 2012 at 11:42 am

DO IT.

I’d be flattered! It’s a neverending circus though. You’ve been warned.
Carrie recently posted..And here’s what a naked face and ratty-ass, lookin-like-I-just-crawled-outta-bed hair will get you.My Profile

Elaine March 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

How do you get yourself into these situations? ;-P

LOVE IT!!
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Carrie March 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Well, the bad thing is…I never even realize I’ve created a situation until it’s over and done and I’m thinking back over crap.

Then I’m like all, “WHAT THE HELL?”

Becca March 28, 2012 at 11:47 pm

What a story! I love how horrified people make themselves when they assume things!
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Karyn March 30, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I just died laughing at this! That poor mother is going to be talking about you for weeks! You’re such a ‘bad girl.’ ;)
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Felicia April 9, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Hey, if your unintentional skankiness results in even one less tourist, I applaud you!
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Jessica April 13, 2012 at 8:26 pm

If I were the mom in that family, and I saw you leaving with Eugene, I’m totally jealous. Just sayin’….his badassness is kinda sexy.

Bobbi April 13, 2012 at 9:41 pm

That is awesome. That makes me want to meet you even more now.
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