It seems like just last week I was digging around in my aunt’s closet trying on all her high heels and testing out her new blue eyeshadow while rocking out (as only an 8 year old can) to Fleetwood Mac.
It’s my turn.
One of the nieces is spending the night with me.
We had a “date.”
We cranked the radio up a little too loud.
(Cee Lo Green.)
The sushi was fab and she did her best with the chopsticks. We kept a fork on stand-by.
(Yes, we needed it.)
Though she loved the “shrimpy one with the crunchy stuff on top” the best, she practiced more than she ate.
All the way up until the little mint was delivered with the check:
Big frustrations. Huge.
(As a matter of fact, the chopsticks came home with us and we’ve attempted to pick up pens, iPhones and other random objects with them.)
(It ain’t going good.)
When we left, I was informed she’s heard the “real” words to that Cee Lo Green song.
(Forget You. That’s the name of the song.)
(Uh, huh. THAT one.)
(THAT one = The other version titled ‘Eff You’.)
(Why am I all of a sudden attempting to be clean here?)
Me: “The ‘real’ words? What do you mean?”
(Playing asshat-edly dumb.)
Hailey: “Yeah, I heard it on Hanna’s iPod.”
Me: “Well, she shouldn’t have that on her iPod.”
(Heeheehee!! If I was 12, I totally would have the dirty version on my iPod, too!!)
(Don’t judge. I’m her aunt, not her momma.)
Since the fabulous shoe store was on the way home, well…it would have been a sin not to stop.
I hit gold.
I’m talking layonthefloorandsquealwhilenotgivingashitpeoplearelooking.com kind of gold.
Hailey held the box while I paced, calculated and talked to myself.
(In my mind.)
Me: “OK. Is every bill you have ever known been paid this month?”
Me: “Yes. Or I think.”
Me: “How much is 30% off?”
Me: “You fucking suck at math and you’re asking me about percent?”
Me: “I know, I know….just get them.”
Me: “You know rent is due?”
Me: “Yes. But they’re totally worth being a hot-evicted-mess over.”
Me: “I know, I know…just get them.”
Before I know it, I’m at the check out.
The shoe-check-out chick asks my birthday month.
Me: “March. Why?”
Her: “You get $5 off purchase with proof on ID.”
(I swear to you on my very soul…I heard angels sing.)
(My vision blurred a bit.)
(It was pure porn in my head.)
These sweet babies were on sale from original price.
THEN marked down an additional 30%.
THEN another $5 off just for being ME IN MARCH!
(I ‘think’ it came to something like 157% off original price. But keep in mind: I do suck at math.)
As I walked out with that gold boxed up and under my arm, I grabbed Hailey’s hand and we started to run.
I was so scared I was going to hear, “Ma’am! Ma’am…wait! I was wrong! Those shoes aren’t on sale! I don’t care what month you were born in…bring them back!”
We got in the car.
I bolted the doors shut so if she was running after me, she couldn’t get in.
Hailey: “Aunt Carrie, why did she want to know when your birthday was?”
Me: (Huffing and puffing my balls off.) “Because. I get. $5 off for it. Being my. Birthday.”
(I couldn’t breathe.)
(But who gives a rats ass…I got the shoes.)
Hailey: “You know you can get any footlong at Subway for $5?”
All I could do was stare blankly at her.
I had no response to that.
I kissed her face.
And we both started to giggle hysterically.
And I let her wear my shoes after her shower tonight.
In her pajamas.
I love her that much.