It is really no secret I have an accent.
Ok. A twang.
And it’s heavy.
I know this.
Usually the first words I hear after meeting someone for the first time is, “Oh, my goodness you have that Texas twang.”
I’ve lived here in Texas all my life. Except for about 6 weeks when I called Newark, NJ home.
And I might as well have been living in China. Because those damn northerners had no clue what I was saying.
I was told I added way too many syllables to one-syllable words and well, for the most part…I was told nothing.
Because they couldn’t understand anything I asked.
They would just look at me. In the face. And stare.
(And I’d look at them. In the face. And stare right back when they asked shit like, “So, do you ride horses?” and “Do you really have oil wells in your backyard?” and “How big is your truck?”)
Then I’d walk off mumbling some curse words. Which I totally shouldn’t have mumbled because they apparently wouldn’t have understood me anyway.
I have a twang.
And it’s fine if people don’t understand me. It’s usually in their best interest if they DON’T understand me…but a damn phone?
I make myself reminders pretty regularly on my phone. This has taken the place of voicemailing myself and emailing myself.
(Because I’m hip like that.)
But “I” am the only one who knows what these reminders are.
Should my phone ever come up missing or God help the soul of any mofo that steals it…the reminders I’ve left on it would make the strongest shake their head in amazement.
I’ll be toodling down the road headed to work or somewhere a little more joyous and remember I need to pay rent.
So, I hit the button in my car that turns on that bluetooth thing that I still really don’t know how to work and I say, “Remind me to pay rent.”
Here’s what pops up on my phone as my reminder of just that:
(And yep again. It’s Siri. That bitch hates me and well, I ain’t inviting her to any happy hours anytime soon.)
There’s my reminder to “Pay riant.”
If you say it out loud and do it phonetically correct (I ain’t got a clue what that means) to yourself now, you’ll sound just like me saying “pay rent.”
“Ri” with a long i and the word “ant.”
Uh, huh. Riant. I have to pay it before the 4th of every month.
I’m used to this crap though. Doesn’t really bother me.
Except for what happened yesterday morning.
Once again, I’m headed to work because apparently that’s all I do in life is head to work and I wanted to set myself a reminder to steal my sister’s iPad before she left on her honeymoon this weekend.
(Cause really…if she needs that iPad on her honeymoon, a stolen iPad ain’t her biggest problem.)
So, once again I hit the button in my car that turns on that bluetooth thing that I still really don’t know how to work and I say, “Get iPad.”
(No details are necessary.)
(Just that notice alone will remind me to sneak to her desk and snag it when she’s peeing or in a meeting.)
(Which really, now that I think about it…the same is accomplished regardless which of those you’re doing.)
(Yes. We work together.)
(She does crap I don’t understand and I do crap she thinks is too fun to get paid to do.)
(Who’s the loser here?)
(Uh, yeah…that’s what I thought.)
Anyway. Back to me stealing her iPad.
And here’s the reminder Siri sent me on my thieving future:
(Probably so I won’t feel the immense pain when she cuts a finger off.)
(Cause she’s all about her iPad.)
(The sister.) (Not Siri.) (Siri is apparently all about trying to be cute.)
Go ahead. Say it out loud.
Yep. You just sounded like me saying “Get iPad.”
I don’t know either. Don’t even go there.
But just think. If my phone ever ends up in the wrong hands…how jackassy is it gonna look that I have to set myself reminders to get high?
(Which I don’t do.)
(Or set myself reminders to get high.)
Siri is just making me look like some hi-tech doper.
(Or some loser that has doped up so much in their lifetime, they can’t even remember WHEN to get high.)
Which I guess is better than a 9-fingered used-iPad owner.
What an ass.
(Siri.) (Not me this time.)