I’m a pretty hard sleeper. Most of the time.
Or so I thought.
I’ve slept through a crew of dudes re-roofing the house at 6:00 am…I’ve slept through a screaming alarm I forgot to turn off the night before…I’ve slept through a slight earthquake when the rest of the hotel guests were up and roaming around in a daze.
(Yes. I did.)
Last night I felt something fall and hit my leg while I was asleep.
My eyes shot open and in one fell swoop (What the hell is that anyway? A ‘fell swoop?’ Who says that??) I was on my feet, light was on and I’m staring back at the bed.
Nothing. I immediately assumed I was dreaming.
Wrong. I knew what it was the minute I saw it since I was now able to focus.
I ruffled the sheets to be sure.
Uh, huh. It fell from the ceiling. Or high-jumped onto the bed…I’m not sure which.
(However, I do feel a little better thinking it fell.)
Now, I’m a 43 year old woman who has lived alone for over 8 years while being single and if I’m to be honest…lived alone most of my 11 year marriage. I have no problem being alone. Normally don’t get scared. And can usually think pretty quick on my feet.
Not last night.
I completely lost it and panicked.
And by panicked…I mean I stood at the side of my bed glaring at this thing willing it to be a big giant cracker or twinkie or something. Just anything other than what I knew it was. And I never eat in bed.
And by panicked…I mean I stood at the side of my bed doing all that glaring with both hands up over my eyes. Peering through my fingers.
Because well, that makes whatever I’m looking at a little less real and scorpionish.
All these questions start flooding in:
Do I kill it? How do I kill it? What shoe do I not like the most to use as my weapon of choice? What about the broom? Surely the broom will kill it. Or the vaccuum…yeah, the vaccuum will suck it right up, won’t it? Do I have a gun anywhere around here? Why the hell would you shoot a scorpion in your own bed? Don’t you think it’d be easier just to wad up the sheets and throw them away? But these are kinda new sheets…you really want to do that?
I ended up going into a full-blown conversation.
After my little tea party with myself was over…I notice it’s no longer where it was. No longer…there. No longer right there on the bed.
Where the hell is it?
I ruffle the sheets again.
I now completely freak. I’m looking under the bed…flipping all 17 pillows…shaking out the throw I keep draped over the foot of the bed…looking again back under the bed.
Well. I can assure you one thing. I ain’t sleeping in that bed.
I completely strip it down to the bare mattress. If this thing wants to play hide and seek…game on.
The sheets and quilt are now wadded up and I kick them through the kitchen and over to the washer. The broom did come in handy because it was a great lifter-thing to get them up off the floor and into the washer without me having to touch them.
(And I probably ruined my quilt…but big friggin’ deal.)
Oh, this all goes down at 12:42 am.
It’s now about 1:18 am.
I slept on the couch.
Or more like…I just laid on the couch.
Until 5:50 am when the phone alarm went off. But really, it didn’t go off because I was still up and turned it off at 5:48 am.
I think I maybe dozed a little here and there. Maybe? I was afraid I’d be out like a light then feel it tap me on the shoulder looking for a snack or something. I just couldn’t let go and sleep.
Anyway, I’m having the place bull-dozed over with heavy duty extermination stuff today. Serious stuff. Like, this-stuff-will-eat-the-paint-off-the-walls-and-the-red-out-of-your-hair kind of serious stuff.
So, that’s that’s the reason my eyes are puffy today. That’s the reason I am drinking coffee today. That’s the reason I’ll have to down a 5-Hour Energy in about 4 minutes. That’s the reason I’ll use to justify eating something totally not good for me like pizza or a moon pie or some other artery clogging little piece of heaven tonight.
And I wish I would have thought to get a picture. But really. That wasn’t my main concern at the time.