Roofers and an earthquake I can tackle. Small, buggish things in the night? Not so much.

August 14, 2012 in Crap I Was Considerate Enough to Not Bother You with Before Now.,Hit or Miss...kinda like my dating life.

I’m a pretty hard sleeper.  Most of the time.

Or so I thought.

I’ve slept through a crew of dudes re-roofing the house at 6:00 am…I’ve slept through a screaming alarm I forgot to turn off the night before…I’ve slept through a slight earthquake when the rest of the hotel guests were up and roaming around in a daze.

(Yes.  I did.)

Last night I felt something fall and hit my leg while I was asleep.

My eyes shot open and in one fell swoop (What the hell is that anyway?  A ‘fell swoop?’  Who says that??) I was on my feet, light was on and I’m staring back at the bed.

Nothing.  I immediately assumed I was dreaming.

Wrong.  I knew what it was the minute I saw it since I was now able to focus.

I ruffled the sheets to be sure.

A scorpion.

Uh, huh.  It fell from the ceiling.  Or high-jumped onto the bed…I’m not sure which.

(However, I do feel a little better thinking it fell.)

Now, I’m a 43 year old woman who has lived alone for over 8 years while being single and if I’m to be honest…lived alone most of my 11 year marriage.  I have no problem being alone.  Normally don’t get scared.  And can usually think pretty quick on my feet.

Not last night.

I completely lost it and panicked.

And by panicked…I mean I stood at the side of my bed glaring at this thing willing it to be a big giant cracker or twinkie or something.  Just anything other than what I knew it was.  And I never eat in bed.

And by panicked…I mean I stood at the side of my bed doing all that glaring with both hands up over my eyes.  Peering through my fingers.

Because well, that makes whatever I’m looking at a little less real and scorpionish.

All these questions start flooding in:

Do I kill it?  How do I kill it?  What shoe do I not like the most to use as my weapon of choice?  What about the broom?  Surely the broom will kill it.  Or the vaccuum…yeah, the vaccuum will suck it right up, won’t it?  Do I have a gun anywhere around here?  Why the hell would you shoot a scorpion in your own bed?  Don’t you think it’d be easier just to wad up the sheets and throw them away?  But these are kinda new sheets…you really want to do that?

I ended up going into a full-blown conversation.

With myself.

After my little tea party with myself was over…I notice it’s no longer where it was.  No longer…there.  No longer right there on the bed.

Where the hell is it?

I ruffle the sheets again.

Nothing.

I now completely freak.  I’m looking under the bed…flipping all 17 pillows…shaking out the throw I keep draped over the foot of the bed…looking again back under the bed.

Nothing.

Well.  I can assure you one thing.  I ain’t sleeping in that bed.

I completely strip it down to the bare mattress.  If this thing wants to play hide and seek…game on.

The sheets and quilt are now wadded up and I kick them through the kitchen and over to the washer.  The broom did come in handy because it was a great lifter-thing to get them up off the floor and into the washer without me having to touch them.

(And I probably ruined my quilt…but big friggin’ deal.)

Oh, this all goes down at 12:42 am.

It’s now about 1:18 am.

(I know.)

I slept on the couch.

Or more like…I just laid on the couch.

Until 5:50 am when the phone alarm went off.  But really, it didn’t go off because I was still up and turned it off at 5:48 am.

I think I maybe dozed a little here and there.  Maybe?  I was afraid I’d be out like a light then feel it tap me on the shoulder looking for a snack or something.  I just couldn’t let go and sleep.

Anyway, I’m having the place bull-dozed over with heavy duty extermination stuff today.  Serious stuff.  Like, this-stuff-will-eat-the-paint-off-the-walls-and-the-red-out-of-your-hair kind of serious stuff.

So, that’s that’s the reason my eyes are puffy today.  That’s the reason I am drinking coffee today.  That’s the reason I’ll have to down a 5-Hour Energy in about 4 minutes.  That’s the reason I’ll use to justify eating something totally not good for me like pizza or a moon pie or some other artery clogging little piece of heaven tonight.

And I wish I would have thought to get a picture.  But really.  That wasn’t my main concern at the time.

I’m delirious.

Help.

{ 33 comments }

mark August 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

Holy arthropod, Batman! I hope they don’t cook meth in your place while it’s fumigated. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Breaking Bad.
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Carrie August 14, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Well, maybe you have. But let me tell you this: When I hit that door this afternoon, I better smell strong fumes, my eyes better burn and I better see paint peeling off the walls.

I asked for a double treatment. “Extra strong” was the term I used. They laughed and said they’d see to it I was taken care of. =)

Barbara August 14, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I would die. I lose my mind over crickets. A scorpion? Would have run down the street screaming. LOL

Carrie August 14, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I’m telling you…it’s the 3rd one I’ve seen in the 4 years of living there. And I just received instructions at lunch from a friend on how to take care of the situation with the proper handling of a shoe.

I think this might be war if I see another.

Jennifer August 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I do believe after my experience last summer we all know how I feel about scorpions. Scorch them.
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Carrie August 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

And I am your biggest supporter.

My heart, my nerves and my co-workers can’t take this again.

Maggie S. August 14, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Sounds like you went by the book to me. I mean. I could certainly not improve on your carefully delineated protocol.

When will the movers be there?
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Carrie August 14, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Well, if I wasn’t too big of a chicken to pull the boxes out and start loading stuff up, they’d be here by 6:00.

L.Hewitt August 14, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Oh.Hell.No. can’t even go there. if you need somewhere to stay you are more than welcome. I have serious problems with any bug, much less a scorpion! No, no, no. That is not even a bug, that is worse, that is like a snake or alligator. Big ole Texas scorpion. I am creeping out. You be careful.

Carrie August 14, 2012 at 4:10 pm

You ain’t kidding. Yes. They are indeed the equivalent to an alligator.

I’ve already creeped around and double-checked to make SURE they’ve exterminated. Apparently their calling card on my kitchen cabinets isn’t enough to satisfy me.

Jennifer August 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I was squirming and jumping in my chair while reading this! I wouldn’t have slept in that bed either. I don’t know what I would have done…. I might have moved out.

Oh.. and,” I was afraid I’d be out like a light then feel it tap me on the shoulder looking for a snack or something.” <<——– I am DYING!
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Carrie August 14, 2012 at 6:42 pm

I really figured I’d hit the couch and pass out. Nope. I laid there FOR HOURS.

Today was miserable. But I just too a little nap and should be good for another 2 hours or so.

=)

Pop August 14, 2012 at 4:28 pm

… you should have called … I’d have sent your mother … She ain’t afraid of no scorpion … You’d probably be having gumbo this evening.
DOD

Carrie August 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

HAHAH!!! Ain’t THAT the truth. She would have just popped it in a big gumbo pot and started stirring.

You would think I would have remembered about all the cans of hairspray, Raid and air freshener I have around here. A mixture of all that would have at least paralyzed it long enough for me to find a damn shoe.

Chrissy August 14, 2012 at 5:27 pm

OMG, I think you handled it accordingly…
My parents had that happen to them when they were living in the “country” at their old house; one was under the sheets in bed with them. It stung my dad twice (who thought he was dreaming the pain??) and headed on over to my mom who felt it crawling on her and got up…

Girl, I used to beat my shoes together before putting them on when I live at home due to the fear of one being in there… See I think that explains why I LOVE open toed shoes so much now..

That act of quick thinking and bravery on your part last night should be rewarded with some new leopard print shoes.. :-)

Carrie August 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I’m telling you, sister…I have looked in EVERY shoe in my closet, under the bed, behind the headboard, under the nightstands…everywhere. It was just a sheer case of luck it landed on my leg and not like in my hair or something.

I would have died. Literally.

And you are so right. I was brave. And every brave girl deserves new heels. I am going to get RIGHT on that!!

=)

Anne August 14, 2012 at 6:52 pm

You’re braver than I am. I would have had to move. :p
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Carrie August 14, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Don’t think that didn’t cross my mind.

Kika August 14, 2012 at 8:25 pm

oh.
my.
lanta.

… I am squirming over here as I type this out to you.
A SCORPION?!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
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Carrie August 15, 2012 at 8:55 am

You think YOU’RE squirming?!?

(However, “oh. my. lanta” has me cracking up!!!)

katie metzroth August 14, 2012 at 9:15 pm

I hope the fumes help you sleep well tonight, friend! :)
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Carrie August 15, 2012 at 8:56 am

I kid you not. I think I was out last night before 9:00.

All that NOT sleeping the night before definitely caught up with me last night.

Candice August 15, 2012 at 1:25 am

Okay. I totally get your fear (phobia?) with bugs! There is a bug here that is called a spruce beetle. You can look it up on google but these things are scary. They are black, the females have white spots and they have black antenna that are about 3 inches long coming out of their heads. They don’t fly very well and when they land on you, you can actually hear them “thud.” I hate them. They are the reason I wish for winter in a place where winter is 6 months long. Oh, and they really hurt when they bite you. Tonight, I go around the counter to get a plate for my dinner and there is one on the floor. I scream, leave my dinner to burn, my daughter on the counter and run for my shoe. I grab the shoe and run back to where it was and scream again because it. is. not. there. I am having pretty much the same conversation in my head that you did. I found mine, though, knocked it off the wall, and smashed it to smithereens. *shudder* I also left it on the floor for my husband to clean it up when he got home…

Carrie August 15, 2012 at 8:58 am

You know…I swear the “thud” is worse than the actual bug. I don’t want to hear any crunching or squashing sounds. Just a nice, quiet smack.

And I do believe the husband is to clean it up is found in the husband manual. I’m pretty sure of that.

You can certainly act like it is, anyway. =)

Carrie's Experimental Kitchen August 15, 2012 at 11:56 am

OMG I would have FLIPPED out! I hope they found it and glad you’re safe, though exhausted. :)
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Carrie August 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Are you kidding?? I DID flip out!

And ‘exhausted’ barely touches the surface. I was in bed…PASSED OUT TO THE WORLD…before 9:00 last night.

Sheer heaven, my friend…sheer heaven. =)

Poppy August 15, 2012 at 3:38 pm

OMG! I don’t think I could enter my house again until someone produced a scorpion carcass let alone get any sleep. You are one brave chiquita.
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Carrie August 15, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I seriously thought about getting a hazmat suit but it was too expensive.

(Carcass. THAT friggin word cracks me up! I will run that shit in the ground around the office now!!)

ColdBlooded August 15, 2012 at 7:05 pm

A scorpion?! Those things kill people (I think). I know, I’m not helping. But seriously, holy crap. I hope you got a better night sleep last night!
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Carrie August 15, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Last night was heaven. I’m not sure I moved. It could have had a damn party on my leg for all I know…I was out.

It’s only the 3rd one I’ve seen since living in Central Texas for the last 8-1/2 years. Fairly good odds I suppose?

But still…

Joanna August 18, 2012 at 12:00 am

And that’s when I would have just moved in the middle of the night. Or burned the place down. Yeah, go with that. Of course, I can see me standing before a judge, in cuffs, favorite pjs all singed like from destruction of property, costing the city a chunk of change asking me how do I plead and me saying insanity by scorpion. On second thought, just move.
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Carrie August 18, 2012 at 10:03 pm

HAHA!!

Joanna, YOU are a damn hoot! And I can’t say all of that didn’t totally cross my mind in the first place.

But…all has been safe and clear since. So far being the key words.

Karyn September 9, 2012 at 9:24 pm

CARRE! ITS STILL THERE!!! You do realize that when you never found it, it means its still there!! OMG how are you even living in the house? Id suggest an insurance fraud project – burn the whole lot down and claim the insurance and move into a whole, new, scorpion free home. Yeah, I really just advocated insurance fraud publicly, Ill never be allowed back into the US again).
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