I’m living with the law and breaking it every day but let’s just keep that between us because what the law doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Or me. So, there.

May 7, 2013 in Hit or Miss...kinda like my dating life.

If you are my husband…here, go read about the infatuation I used to have with Snoop Dogg.

Or Snoop Lion.  Or whoever he is now.

(And THAT is one of the very reasons I am over Snoop.  I mean, who in their right mind just up and changes their name?)

(Snoop.  That’s who.)

Anyway.  It’ll make you proud, honey.  Go on now.

Internet

If you’re not my husband, just stay here.

I say that because he doesn’t need to know I drove a liiiittle too close to a jackass-left-lane-douche-driver this morning and well, he flipped me off.

(Not my husband…the douche.)

Then I bolted around him and kinda maybe drove slow. 

(The speed limit is 75 mph.  He pulled out and got in front of me and never even attempted to pick up speed and I had to hit the brakes and drop down to 60 mph.)

(AND THE RIGHT LANE WAS TOTALLY FREE.)  (HE COULD HAVE MOVED OVER.)  (AND I KNOW I COULD HAVE, TOO.)  (BUT I WAS THERE FIRST.)  (AND WELL…JUST WELL.)  (SHUT UP.)

Listen, I have a one hour commute to the office and a one hour commute from the office that sometimes turns into a one hour and 20 minute commute from the office.  Ain’t nobody got time for slow left-lane-douche-drivers.

Especially me.  And my last nerve.

And I don’t want my husband to know because well, he’s the law.

The fuzz.

The po-po.

Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Portague County.

A tire biter.

(The dude I ask every day of my life if I can have a dashboard siren and a badge.)

(The dude who tells me ‘no’ every day of his life because, according to him, I’m not Kojak and a Volvo is not a believable undercover car.)

You get it.

Anyway.

The douche flipped me off…then about 2 miles up the road, there’s a little fender bender.  Just enough to slow up all of us stupidly early morning commuters.  OK.  Traffic is coming to a complete…stop.

(Collaborate and listen.)

Aaaaand now the douche is looking at me.  Through my passenger window.  He apparently felt it was now necessary to get in that right lane his ass should have gotten in 2 miles back.

I just stared back.

I could hear that whistle from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

Oh, how I would have loved to just, at that very moment, delicately put my little dashboard siren in place, lather on a coat of Mary Kay Pink Diamonds lip gloss, all the while staring right back at his face staring at me through my passenger window, then slowly raise my badge and stick it to the window.

HARD.  With a snarling grimace on my face.  My lip curled up and my eyes squinted really hard.

But, no.

All I had was my lip gloss and that did nothing. 

Traffic started moving, he kept staring, I puckered up and blew him a kiss, he flipped me off again.  We’re even.

Let’s just keep all of that between us.  The dude who tells me ‘no’ every day of his life because, according to him, I’m not Kojak and a Volvo is not a believable undercover car has no reason to know about this.

(Hopefully, he’s off reading about me and Snoop now anyway.)

He puts up with a lot…let me tell you.  (I’m talking about with me.  Not criminals or murderers or bank robbers or drunk college kids…me.)

He’s been carrying a gun on his hip for well over 20 years, has a flawless record, and is good at what he does.  Yet, I continually advise him on how I’d do things in his place.

Such as:

1.  More people would be pulled over and ticketed for applying makeup in the rear view mirror.  (Men AND women.  We DO live in Austin, folks.)

B.  More people would be arrested for driving slow in the left lane.  (Hence, douche this morning would be in the pokey about now if it were up to me.  Enjoying an organic turkey burger and sweet potato fries, no doubt.)

3.  More people would be calling 911 to see if that Volvo behind them with the dashboard siren on and the driver waving her badge out the sun roof is a legitimate undercover car.

Uh, huh. 

See?

I’ll leave you with this little posting from the other day to give you a better idea of his new life with moi.  He swears to me the criminals are easier to tackle than his wife.

AS THEY SHOULD BE, OFFICER….AAAAAS THEY SHOULD BE.

Text

Jennifer May 7, 2013 at 3:01 pm

Douches in the left lane really should get sent to the pokey.

Carrie May 7, 2013 at 3:09 pm

THAT is the one thing that will get my goat every time.

Adelyn May 7, 2013 at 3:37 pm

stop….collaborate and listen.

THAT is why I love your blog….well at least one of the 37 reasons….

Reason 38?
“Traffic started moving, he kept staring, I puckered up and blew him a kiss, he flipped me off again. We’re even.”
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Carrie May 7, 2013 at 4:04 pm

HA!! I knew somebody would catch my Vanilla Ice reference! He bypassed Snoop in the early 90’s.

But that eyebrow? Really?

I liked the pucker, too. It really pissed him off.

Barbara May 7, 2013 at 3:43 pm

You really need a bumper sticker that says, “My other car is a police car.”
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Carrie May 7, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Well, well. My list just got longer.

1. Dashboard siren
2. Badge
3. “My Other Car is a Police Car” bumper sticker.

Keith thanks you.

Anne May 7, 2013 at 5:17 pm

Slow driving left laners should definitely be jailed! As should anyone who slams on their brakes at the first sign of rainfall. It’s rain, people! It’s not fire dropping down from the sky!
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Carrie May 7, 2013 at 8:30 pm

…and another good one. Rain.

I agree. You nailed that one.

katie metzroth May 7, 2013 at 8:02 pm

Um… be safe out there, Carrie…..you can’t get us addicted to yer blog, take a break, come back, and then die in a tragic road rage accident. My heart can’t take it.

Anne is cracking me up. Um, if fire starts dropping down from the sky, I think we’re all gonna hit the gas to try to get indoors. 🙂
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Carrie May 7, 2013 at 8:31 pm

Talk to Keith. It would have been a whole different scenario if I would have had my dashboard siren.

WHOLE different one.

Regina May 7, 2013 at 8:07 pm

Your post reminded me of when I was in my 20s and I used to ride slow drivers. Also why I needed lots of brakes and front end alignments.

You need a taser. The kind that goes through windows. Not that they have that kind, but wouldn’t it be great to have taser eyes even.

I think you could be your hubs Crocket, or his Tubs, be all Miami Vice, Austin style. 😉
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Carrie May 7, 2013 at 8:33 pm

He let me ride along with him one night.

Then he couldn’t take it anymore. NOTHING came over his radio where I wasn’t asking, “What’s that mean? Is there a shooting or bank robbery somewhere??”

We saw a guy sitting in his car. Just sitting. In the dark. Keith got out just to make sure he was ok. I yelled out, “Don’t hurt the poor guy!”

That was the last invite to ride along with him, I got.

Regina May 7, 2013 at 8:46 pm

Sounds like a scene from Lethal Weapon. lol

Maybe he can get you a scanner for Christmas so you can practice your skills. 😉
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Carrie May 8, 2013 at 7:46 am

Niiiice. A scanner. Let me add that to the list as well.

He just has no clue how his work life could change. He should be thrilled I’m not pulling up next to him in my own patrol car.

Not yet, anyway.

Breane May 7, 2013 at 8:42 pm

Dude.

Sounds so like me.

Except my hubs works at DPS. But he ain’t got no flashy badge. He’s in IT. He’s a nerd. But, I love him.

By the way, my luck, that douche-bag would pull into the parking garage behind me and have a parking spot across from mine. 🙂
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Carrie May 8, 2013 at 7:45 am

You know, I wouldn’t have cared at that point. If he was gonna pull out in the fast lane and NOT move when he saw faster traffic behind him, he deserves a good ass-chewing in the garage!

Karyn May 7, 2013 at 8:49 pm

There’s always an idiot around somewhere. Whoever the woman is that’s breeding these assholes, I wish she would just stop. Nice to have you back!
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Carrie May 8, 2013 at 7:47 am

You’re right…they must all be kin.

Thanks! I forgot how much I enjoyed this blog stuff!

kk May 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm

And THAT is why we missed you terribly during your time away from us, Mrs. PoPo. You make me laugh out loud, honestly you do!!
BTW, are you gun totin’ now? Or were you already? Just wonderin’ since you’re livin’ (LEGALLY) with the law and all….

Carrie May 8, 2013 at 7:49 am

MRS. POPO!! Now “I” am laughing out loud!!

And no, not a gun toter. Used to be but somehow lost my gun. Don’t ask…I have no clue how you “lose” a gun, but I did. Which might be reason enough for me to NOT get another one since I apparently can’t keep up with it.

But have I ever lost a tube of lip gloss? Uh, negatory good buddy.

Carrie's Experimental Kitchen May 8, 2013 at 11:34 am

I’m with you and have to try very to contain my road rage when the kids are in the car when that happens. Why can’t they just move over! 🙂

Carrie May 8, 2013 at 1:17 pm

Well, I’d say because it’s an “all about me” world out there.

And I confess. Once or 19 times I’ve been guilty of living in it.

Whoops.

Lisa Hewitt May 8, 2013 at 2:13 pm

You Are Married To The Police! Sweet baby Jesus. Couldn’t you just get that tag number and give it to your Policemanhusband and he could follow-up later? I’m sure that old bastard’s registration is expired or something. I don’t know what to call Snoop anymore.

Carrie May 8, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Well, I probably could have. And you know, I guess if I call him out every time somebody farts wrong, he’ll get tired of it and get me my dashboard siren and badge!

YOU ARE BRILLIANT!

wendy May 10, 2013 at 12:11 pm

you had me at “collaborate and listen.”
and i will always remember your stated willingness to tweet snoop fearlessly whenever the mood struck you. you are my forever-twitter hero for that!
(and he’s a cop, huh? hot, carrie girl! 🙂 )
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Carrie May 10, 2013 at 3:36 pm

Yep. Snoop has certainly thrown me for a loop with the name change.

Whoa.

And the cop is hot. I’m miserably in love. It’s stupid.

Jef May 11, 2013 at 2:21 pm

I especially like: “I could hear that whistle from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.”

I have so done that.

Really.

OMG.

Now I’m writing like you …
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