I might be old but I know what to do when a dude ditches you. And I probably shouldn’t sound so proud of that.

June 27, 2013 in Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

Hanna Text Convo 1

Well, God love it.

(Between my daughter and my nieces, I am going to die or end up in prison for dude-burying.)

I immediately dialed her number to chat.

(Because that’s what girls do when they find out another girl has been ditched.)

After we yammered with a little small talk, I shot straight to point.

Me:  “So.  What’d he say?”

(How damn old am I?)

Hanna:  “Just that it was summer and all and that since I’m going to a different school next year we won’t see each other much and well, you know.”

Me:  “Was he ugly to you?  And don’t you cover for him.  WAS HE UGLY TO YOU?”

Hanna:  “No.  Why?”

Me:  “CAUSE I’LL ROUGH HIM UP LIKE HE’S NEVER KNOWN BEFORE IF HE WAS UGLY!  I’LL BE KICKING HIS BUTT UP AND DOWN THE ROAD FOR DAYS!  WE’LL RUMBLE…THAT LITTLE PUNK WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM AND HE’LL BE BEGGING YOU TO PULL ME OFF OF HIM!”

(How DAMN old am I?)

(I was just kidding.  Kinda.  Really just trying to make her snicker.)

Hanna:  “Uh, Aunt Carrie…I’m fine.  Really.  And you don’t even know him.  We’re still friends…geeze.  And he’s 12.  I don’t think somebody YOUR age can get away with roughing up a 12 year-old.”

(My age??  Excuse me?  MY age?)

Me:  “OK…I’ll call and check on you later.  I love your face.”

We hung up.

(I don’t remember being quite so calm and collected when I was 12 years old.  Much less when I was just ditched by a dude.)

(What I do remember is trying to kick him in the stupid boy parts and flipping him off.)

(With the wrong finger nevertheless, but he totally knew what I meant.)

This summer, Hanna is taking this science-y, smart kid, robotics-y, science-y, bunsen burner-y, kind of science-y camp-class-thing this week.

(I can’t count to 10 and am amazed by steam.  She don’t get her smarts from moi.)

I texted her a couple of days later to see how it was going:

Hanna Text Convo 2

(Once again, I immediately called.)

Hanna:  “Hey.”

Me:  “Hey…so it was good?  You’re having fun?”

Hanna:  “Yeah.  It’s just me and 4 other boys.”

Me:  “4 other boys?!?  Are they hot?”

(How damn OLD am I?)

Hanna:  “Do what?  NO!  Oh, my God!  Are you kidding??  Aunt Carrie, what is WRONG with you?!?”

(Well, there’s a loaded question the best of shrinks ain’t been able to answer.)

She starts laughing.  Giggling.  Girly-squealing.  HeeHeeHee-ing.  High pitch talking.

(Which tells me at least one of these mongrels in her camp is hot.)

(Damn it.)

Me:  “Sooo….what do y’all actually do in this robotics camp?  Walk around all morning like robots and stuff?  You know there’s a dance called The Robot, huh?  I can teach you!”

Hanna:  “Are you kidding me?  Is that what you think I do at robotics camp all morning??  How old ARE you?”

Me:  “I don’t know what you do…I’m not all robotic-ky and stuff!”

Hanna:  “I love you, Aunt Carrie…you always make me laugh.”

You know, I work in a professional atmosphere.  I hang with professional business people all day long.  I conduct myself in a professional manner.

(When the big boss is around.)

(And when I’m not making fart sounds at my desk.)

(Who doesn’t like a good fart sound, I ask?)

But something happens when it comes to my nieces and boys.

Pray for them.

And me.

(And remind me to make sure they know it’s the middle finger.)

Middle Finger

{ 26 comments }

Barbara June 27, 2013 at 3:37 pm

Hahahahaha! You KNOW your niece loves her Aunt Carrie! Forgot how good you are with that silly putty too!
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Carrie June 27, 2013 at 4:07 pm

I ran across that pic juuuust as I was finishing it up!

Thought, “My, my! What a perfect fit!!”

Lisa Hewitt June 27, 2013 at 6:34 pm

12 y.o. with boyfriend. How old am I ?! I would totally beat his ass if he hurt her. Because I am that old. Hot boyfriend + science camp = A nice, well-educated catch. Being 12 and all. He probably already has an application in at Harvard, or at least Yale.

Carrie June 27, 2013 at 8:48 pm

THANK GOD I’m not alone on this!

I knew you’d have my back. I knew it!!

Adelyn June 27, 2013 at 6:39 pm

Love it. Good for you. Every kid needs an Aunt Carrie. Seriously.
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Carrie June 27, 2013 at 8:49 pm

You’re too kind.

But my sister (their mom) might not wholeheartedly agree. I AM the aunt that buys them fake cockroaches and fake dog poop they leave around the house.

I’ve gotten in trouble more than once for that kind of stuff.

Amanda June 28, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Oh my goodness! My boys are getting fake poop at the top of their stockings this Christmas!! I can’t wait to see their faces!
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Carrie June 28, 2013 at 4:48 pm

Let me tell you…that is the best. It’s the gift that keeeeeps on giving well after it’s been forgotten about!

And if you don’t have pets, put it in their bathroom then question them on “who missed.” They’ll be pointing back and forth for hours!

Endless entertainment!

Hollie June 27, 2013 at 6:46 pm

Again — I was giggling all the way through… One Auntie to another! Too funny!!! And I can relate – having 3 nieces… And God help the little “skank” that tries to bat an eyelash at my new nephew. Ha! I just thought I was protective before! So funny Carrie!!! I love it!

Carrie June 27, 2013 at 8:51 pm

I’m telling you…the older they get the more psycho I go.

Boyfriends? Who the hell decided they were old enough to have boyfriends?

I wanna gag. =)

a morning grouch June 28, 2013 at 5:58 am

Haha! Lucky girl to have such an aunt! everyone needs a relative that she wonders what the hell is wrong with them- good for both laugh and protection.

Carrie June 28, 2013 at 8:12 am

I like that outlook…laughs and protectioin.

I’m gonna see if that sells the next time I get, “Oh, my God. Aunt Carrie…grow up!”

Lisa June 28, 2013 at 7:54 am

I pity the fool that “hurts” them…..

Carrie June 28, 2013 at 8:13 am

Just gotta teach her the right finger. Then be prepared to take my ass-whoopin from her momma.

Jennifer June 28, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Oh yes. I get this completely. Lord help the boy that messes with this momma’s girl. It will not be pretty.
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Carrie June 28, 2013 at 4:41 pm

Yeah. And you’re gonna have to go through it with both Cutie James and Precious Cady.

Let me know if you need assistance at that time. I’m totally willing to help a sister out.

Amanda June 28, 2013 at 4:28 pm

You sound like an AMAZING aunt!!! Darn right that boy would’ve gotten his butt kicked if he’d been mean!
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Carrie June 28, 2013 at 4:44 pm

It’s odd how the nieces seem all embarrassed by my love and concern.

It’s either my love and concern or my psycho-ness.

katie metzroth June 29, 2013 at 10:26 am

If you’re married to a cop and can’t figure out a way to not go to jail, I can’t help you. ….and I totally think you shouldn’t be roughing up any 12 y.o. boys, ’cause I don’t think they’ll let you blog from prison (or the grave) and I would miss yer blogs! (it’s all about me, you know)….I like that she has interests where the guy to girl ratios are good. I’m a believer in stacking the odds in your favor! Best of luck to her.
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Carrie June 29, 2013 at 3:51 pm

Well, I try to keep the law out of my criminal activities. Doesn’t always work, but Lord knows I try.

Jef June 29, 2013 at 12:47 pm

I think this is one of my favorite posts you’ve written.

Carrie June 29, 2013 at 3:53 pm

Aww…that makes my day, Jef! Thank you!

Fashionista Era (@Fashionistaera) June 30, 2013 at 3:04 am

HAHAHA!!!hilarious as usual, it would be fun if i had a fun aunt like you carrie. That implies that most of the time mine aunts are pretty boring :p hehe…!! loved it as always and tks for always being so sweet wit ur words on my blog..!!
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Carrie June 30, 2013 at 8:35 pm

You’re so kind, Hanz…thanks so much!

wendy July 1, 2013 at 10:22 pm

you are such a good auntie. i’m going to see my 13-year-old niece next week and i’ll be thinking of you while I try my damndest to connect with her. she’s tricky, my niece. i’m going to try to get in good with her by gifting her with a non-twilight, teen-demon-hunters-in-love epic trash novel. wish me luck.
(and i love that you’re amazed by steam. it is amazing! I, too, am amazed by it. :) )
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Carrie July 2, 2013 at 11:01 am

Aww…that is SURE to win you brownie points! Tween girls can be odd. Sometimes downright funky.

One day my nieces love me and 2 days later, I’m a creepy old lady.

They think they’re so big and grown though. But I remember being just like that. Little do they know…

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