Hey Uterus, unless you’re contributing to the mortgage you can keep your trap shut.

July 16, 2013 in Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

“It’s not even 8:00 in the morning. Do NOT be slamming that door when you go outside!”

“Can y’all just stop being so loud?”

“Please turn the radio-thing down on your phone. Hey, your radio thing. On your phone. Turn it down. TURN THE FRIGGIN RADIO-THING DOWN ON YOUR PHONE!”

“We’ll be at Dairy Queen in 4 minutes so start figuring out what kind of Blizzard you want.”

“I don’t want to hear another fart in this house.”

“We have Coke, Dr. Pepper or Ginger Ale. I don’t have root beer. I’m not a restaurant.”

“Did you not see me just fluff those pillows on the sofa? Do you think I did it so you could waller all over them?”

“Two more minutes until we’re there…WHAT KIND of BLIZZARD are y’all getting???”

“Please turn off the light in the room when you leave.”

“Don’t walk on that floor! You just watched me mop it!!”

“Get your feet off the back of her seat.”

“Why is there an empty milk thing in the ‘fridge?”

“No, we’re not going to get out. I’m going through the drive-thru. Just decide WHAT KIND OF BLIZZARD YOU WANT!”

“I asked you not to sit on my carpet in a wet bathing suit. Get up. Now.”

“Fine. You can bathe in the morning. But wipe your dirty feet off before you get in that bed.”

Haileys Foot

“Why can’t you just sleep like a normal person in that bed?”

“For the love of God stop barking at the dogs! You’re just antagonizing them.”

“Stop farting. Now. It’s not funny. Or cute.”

“No more whining. None. I don’t want to hear another whiney voice. Not one.”

“You’re not eating that whole pizza by yourself. No, you’re not either. You’re not the only one hungry.”

“Put your seat belt on. Hey. Put it on. THAT’S why the car is dinging…put your seat belt on!”

“Now damn it. Unlock that door. You saw her coming in!”

“Did y’all make your beds? I’m not Hazel. Go do it. Hazel was a TV show back in the…nevermind, just go make your bed!”

“Why am I counting nine glasses all over the kitchen and living room but only four of y’all?”

“It’s only three cars. They’ll move fast and we’ll be at the speaker in a minute. Figure out what kind of Blizzard you want.”

“I saw that. Get your hands away from her and on your side of the car.”

“Please don’t kick the back of the seat.”

“Yes, ma’am. I need to order four Blizzards.”

“Ok, girls…what kind of Blizzards?”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE??? ARE YOU SHITTING ME???”

(You just re-lived my weekend. With four teenaged girls. Yes. Four.)

(A couple of times I thought mom was in the house because I kept hearing her voice saying those words.)

(It was me.)

(Turning into her.)

(My nerves are shot. I’m too old. Non-stop girls. Hormonal, emotional, giggly, whiney, smack-talking, tattle-telling, hugging, kiss-blowing girls.)

(I tried for years to have kids of my own. Years. But couldn’t. And I wanted a boatload.)

(Now I have my husband’s 15-year old and my nieces that are 12, 12 and 13 to love on. And believe me, I do love’em.)

(Some of the time.)

(OK, most of the time.)

(I was laying/quivering/twitching in bed the night the nieces left and the daughter was in her bed and I swear I heard my uterus scream, “SEE, YOU JACKASS…I WAS RIGHT! ADMIT IT! I WAS RIGHT!”)

(Shut up.)

Barbara July 16, 2013 at 11:25 am

Hahahahahaha. I laugh because I’ll be 50 when my youngest is 14. Teen hormones and menopause will collide.
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Carrie July 16, 2013 at 11:38 am

To have gone my whole life kid-free…then now?

My nerves. Sweet mother of crap, my nerves.

But I do love those boneheads. =)

Lisa Hewitt July 16, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Oreo cheese cake. Medium. Nerves? I don’t have any left that remain untouched by teenagers. Bless your heart (for real).

Carrie July 16, 2013 at 5:11 pm

Oreo cheesecake?

Where in the world were you when I picked them up at 5:07 Friday afternoon? You could’ve made this a much less nerve twitching weekend.

Carrie's Experimental Kitchen July 16, 2013 at 4:14 pm

Lol This post completely had me cracking up remembering the many weekends I spent with my nieces and nephews to give their parents a break… Well them a break, me not so much, but 10 years later we still laugh at those chaotic memories!

Carrie July 16, 2013 at 5:19 pm

Chaotic. That’s perfect. That’s what it was. Fun and chaotic.

(The nieces were gone 20 minutes and I already missed them.)

(I’m a sad case.)
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Jessica July 16, 2013 at 6:04 pm

Girls or boys….I believe some part of my body is screaming all of these all of the time. If it’s not my uterus…what is it? Because I need it to shut up. Nothing gets better with all that hollering, that much I know. (So why do I still do it?)
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Carrie July 16, 2013 at 7:56 pm

NO….nothing gets better with hollering. I know. My voice got louder and louder as the weekend went.

Didn’t work.

Hollie July 16, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Oh. My. God. I am dying. This killed!!! Hahahaha. The last time I took a niece to chuck e cheese …….. I put my uterus on eBay . Just say’n.

Carrie July 16, 2013 at 7:55 pm

HAHAHA!!! You’re hysterical! (And quite brilliant with that idea there, too.)

Love you, Hollie. =)

Lisa Guedry July 16, 2013 at 6:49 pm

Oh, this just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside…lol!

Carrie July 16, 2013 at 7:52 pm

Uh, huh. YOU know the feeling of chasing all day, huh?!?

Regina July 16, 2013 at 7:21 pm

Oh lord have mercy. That sounded painful.

I say that kinda stuff with my kids. They make me all crazy when we take a 3 hour car ride on vacation. I’m ready to drink it up by the time we get there. And I don’t drink.

And I keep coming up with games to keep them busy while we drive too.

But hormones. I don’t know what I will do when hormones are into play.
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Carrie July 16, 2013 at 7:51 pm

Drink it up.

I have taken note of that little gem.

Drink it up. Yep. That’s the answer.

Stacie Feller July 16, 2013 at 7:39 pm

And now you know why I am “sick” while they all go out to eat tonight……nice and quiet house (albeit looks like a tornado hit it).

Carrie July 16, 2013 at 7:50 pm

Oh, yeah. And it’s 7:49 and I’m in bed. STILL trying to catch my breath from chasing them all weekend.

Melinda Stanton (Auntie Em) July 16, 2013 at 8:38 pm

OMG Carrie… rolling… I can’t breathe…. it’s funny when your mother’s voice starts coming out of your body, isn’t it??
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Carrie July 17, 2013 at 8:36 am

I hear mom more than I care to admit.

(And I see her when I look in the mirror.)

Amanda July 16, 2013 at 9:47 pm

My mother’s voice has come out of my mouth so many times and it scares me EVERY SINGLE TIME!!

And I kind of thought it was only boys who farted at you and/or on command!
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Carrie July 17, 2013 at 8:38 am

Nope. Boys are NOT the only farters.

Not by a long shot.

(Farter. I like that word. Farter. Nice.)

Peggy Scarborough July 16, 2013 at 10:23 pm

If my voice really did come out of your body screaming like mine, all that teeny crap would have stopped after the statement “…I’m not a restaurant!”
You need more practice…lol!

Carrie July 17, 2013 at 8:39 am

I know. THAT’S the precise time I heard you.

I heard that phrase many, many times growing up. God…many times.

Christina - a Babys Smile Knits July 17, 2013 at 9:09 am

I can totally relate, I’ve got 4 little boys and it is pretty much constant … what is it with the cups anyways? Is there a dishwasher monster I don’t know about?

Carrie July 17, 2013 at 9:54 am

Bless your heart. Four little boys. Four little farters.

Everywhere I looked. It was like a sea of cups and glasses. On the end tables, the counter, the floor next to the sofa.

Apparently they felt they needed one for each hand or something.

Brenda Dion July 17, 2013 at 10:03 am

I was the worst teenager to my mother and she cursed me that I would have a daughter just like me. Although I’m a few years away from teendom with my daughter the writing is on the wall for me. Between whining and backtalk she’s already got it covered! Thanks for a funny post!
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Carrie July 17, 2013 at 11:40 am

Put your belt on, Brenda…it’s coming!

She’s prepping you now.

You’re not alone though. I’m sure my mom could/would share horror stories about how miserable I was. And she was so right about that karma crap.

=)

Jennifer July 17, 2013 at 10:21 am

I’m dying at your mom and Stacey’s comments. And you know you loved every exasperating minute of it.
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Jennifer July 17, 2013 at 10:23 am

And speaking of mother’s voices, last night Cady asked me why (oh yes, she did), and I replied, “because I said so. Isn’t that awesome?” Her, “No!” Me, “you’ll think so when you’re a mom.”
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Carrie July 17, 2013 at 11:45 am

HAHA!!

I used that this weekend, too. One of the girls said some crap like, “That’s not fair, Aunt Carrie. Why not?!?”

Without thinking, I immediately replied, “Because. That’s why and don’t be asking why.”

I love those little boneheads.

Carrie July 17, 2013 at 11:43 am

I’m sure they BOTH have many more comments you’d be dying over. Trust me. Don’t get them started.

katie metzroth July 17, 2013 at 1:50 pm

all this did was make me want a Blizzard. and I already know what kind I want. M&M.
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Carrie July 19, 2013 at 11:21 am

Good to know…good to know.

At least you’re on the ball. Next time, I’m taking you instead.

Adelyn July 19, 2013 at 9:40 am

ok. I was totally laughing…

And totally empathizing…

And sort of wanting to go find some teenagers to come over and hang out…

it might be a sickness…and one I have…and sort of want…and sort of don’t.

When my niece was in college I would beg her to come and stay the weekend and let me do her laundry and cook meals for her to take back. My daughter is 7 and I balance between wanting to have all her friends over to swim and laugh and play and wanting to have 6 hour “quiet time” in her room rather than the 2 hours we do now.

I have it bad.
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Carrie July 19, 2013 at 11:20 am

Uh, yeah. You got it bad.

I had it bad, too. Until I remembered what a moron teenagers think we are and how they know so much more and can do it all better.

How did I make it 44 years without them??? =)

A Morning Grouch July 26, 2013 at 2:46 pm

hahhaaha. That’s awesome. Confirmation that no person, or organ, can ever just keep their trap shut instead of saying, “i told you so!”
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Carrie July 29, 2013 at 8:10 am

Yep…you’re absolutely right!

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