Just once a weekend has now turned into what could kinda be a legal addiction to something like crack.

August 27, 2013 in Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

Because I was up and on the road for a 6 hour drive at the crack of ass this morning and will be back up at the crack of ass in the morning for another 6 hour drive back home after 5 hours of work is done…I was showered and ready for bed at 6:00 pm tonight.

Then at about 6:25 pm, I got up.

And took off my pj’s and put my clothes back on.

And grabbed my purse and literally tiptoed to the hotel elevator.

Then down to the hotel bar.

(Very stealthily. Very.)

(Kinda sleuth-ish looking.)

(Which wouldn’t make me a sleuth because if I was I’d be good enough to not look like one, right?)

I had to have it. Couldn’t wait any longer.

Anyway…I walked up to the bar in my sexy, stretchy yoga pants, wrinkled shirt and flip flops.

And glasses.

(Stunning, I tell you. A creature of beauty.)

And then I shimmied between the barstools, and took a seat. I leaned over the bar and spoke. In a very quiet, whisper-ishy way I said these words to the bartender:

“I’d like a can of Dr. Pepper. Not the fountain drink kind. A can. And a full glass of ice. With a straw. I will pay cash and this is not to be charged to my room. There is to be no record of this. I’ll take it with me.”

She just stared with a puzzled look.

After about 17 seconds, I smiled and then whispered, “Hurry it up, honey. Let’s move.”

She came back with the loot as instructed.

(Did I just say “loot”?)

Then I paid $2.00 for a Dr. Pepper and snuck it back up to my room.

Two whole dollars.

For one whole can.

(I need help.)

I have to stop. This is now cutting into my girl’s college tuition at $2.00 a can. Destroying my family.

Up until a few months ago, I hadn’t had any kind of soft drink in over 3 (or maybe even 4) years.

Four thousand years ago when I was trying to have babies and couldn’t because my uterus hated me (that asshat) and my ovaries were on it’s side (bitches), the docs discovered through surgeries, I only have one kidney.

This ain’t no sob story. That bad boy is the king of all kidneys. Never a problem and never an issue.

It’s a big ass bully to all other kidneys.

I just freaked a bit and went into OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-IF-THIS-KIDNEY-FAILS-I-DON’T-HAVE-A-BACKUP-AND-NOBODY-LIKES-ME-ENOUGH-TO-GIVE-ME-ONE-OF-THEIRS-BECAUSE-WHO-REALLY-SAYS-HERE-HAVE-A-KIDNEY-AND-CONSIDER-IT-A-GIFT mode.

So, I only drank water and cranberry juice.

For years.

(Well, only that if you don’t count the occasional glass of wine or eight.)

Then Keith brought home the crack.

Yep. He’s not only my husband, but also my pusher.

It started out with, “Oh, just one a weekend won’t hurt a thing.”

(And that first sip felt like acid burning all the way into my intestines.)

A few months later? I’ve had 2 today alone.

And now I’m sneaking down to hotel bars and paying cash so there’s no paper trail.

(Admitting you have a problem is the first step, ain’t it?)

(Is this considered admitting?)

(Don’t answer that if you think it is.)

(I’m not sure I’m ready to admit.)

(It could have been worse.)

(But isn’t that what every addict says about their not-really-an-addiction-to-them-because-they-can-stop-any-time-they-want addiction?)

(OH, GOD I’M OUT OF CONTROL AND MY GIRL WILL BE UNEDUCATED AND MY FAMILY WILL BE HITTING ROCK BOTTOM ALL BECAUSE OF MY SNEAKING AROUND WITH A CAN OF DR. PEPPER!)

Wait. No way do I have THAT much influence over anything.

Screw it. I’m fine.

Chrissy August 27, 2013 at 8:45 pm

Just wait until you try the Dr Pepper made with real sugar cane. Which can only be found in Waco.. (road trip in your near future)

Plus you have the hook up (just let me know).

Carrie August 27, 2013 at 9:01 pm

Oh, Lord! You’re going to make this 12-step program into a 52-step program for me!!

=)

kk August 27, 2013 at 8:50 pm

I’m with ya sista on the Dr. Pepper (diet, please). And just a little tip…add a little lemon vodka to diet cranberry juice (5 calories in the juice-F-I-V-E!!) and ooowww weeeeee! That’s some kinda fine!
You are sooooooooooooooooooo funny! When I read you I LMAHO!!!!

Carrie August 27, 2013 at 9:03 pm

Well, hell. I think I just found a new addiction!

That does sound pretty scrumpt…and even less filled with guilt at F-I-V-E calories!!

Regina August 27, 2013 at 8:53 pm

I can send you a cardboard box to start decorating now for when you uh, hmmm. Loose your house to your crack habit.

🙂
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Carrie August 27, 2013 at 9:04 pm

HAHAHA!!!

I laugh, but well…I’m probably pretty close to that point.

Blah.

(You’re a mess, girl!! Love it!)

Barbara August 28, 2013 at 1:41 am

First Lamar Odom is on crack, and now this. 😉
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Carrie August 28, 2013 at 11:09 am

I know. I’m bringing the whole country down.

Connie Weiss August 28, 2013 at 9:28 am

Hello, My name is Connie and I’m a Mountain Dew Addict.

I hide it in my pantry, because my Keith doesn’t know where the food is stored and I drink one a day, over ice.

Sometimes, when I’m having a really rough day, I go to the gas station by my kids’ school where they have those little balls of ice like they have at Sonic and I get a 32 oz Mountain Dew!
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Carrie August 28, 2013 at 11:10 am

Now THAT is good thinking, girl. You’re pretty much professional now.

katie metzroth August 28, 2013 at 1:28 pm

Studies show that sugar is more additive than cocaine….and no one says, “just make sure you do cocaine in moderation.” just sayin’. 🙂
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Carrie August 29, 2013 at 11:45 am

Well, that throws a whole new spin on it.

=)

Lisa Hewitt August 29, 2013 at 7:34 am

Coca-Cola everyday. Yeah.

Carrie August 29, 2013 at 11:44 am

I had 2 on Tuesday and 3 on Wednesday.

This shit is getting out of hand now. Time to call in the troops.

Lisa Hewitt August 29, 2013 at 2:40 pm

I can get to the main coca-cola plant in under 30 minutes. Yeah. And my momma was the president of coca-cola’s secretary. uh-huh. You know what really annoys me? The automatic assumption when I order a coke – they bring back a diet coke. WTH? Then just to add rust to the knife – I have to worry if they spit in my damn good sugar coke, that they had to go back and get. I’m looking at a freshly opened 16.9 oz right now. Just glistening with the slightest little bit of frost. uh-huh.

Carrie August 29, 2013 at 3:55 pm

Dear Lord you were raised in heaven!!

I have never done the diet drink thing. Never. Can’t. Won’t.

And I haven’t had one today. I won’t have headaches or anything, just no energy.

Which every single life-sucking soul around me seems to appreciate.

I’m about 14 miuntes from calling it a day.

Adelyn August 31, 2013 at 9:08 am

Late to the commenting party this time…but I hear you. I can go months without a diet pepsi and then slip and fall and have one…then it is weeks to kick the habit again.

I am with Katie on how scary sugar is…and how much it is in EVERYTHING. I do so much better without it. But it is even in taco seasoning. TACO SEASONING!?!?!

Ok sorry, back to you…wishing you much luck as you work to kick the habit…or much joy as you indulge. Ya, I am no help whatsoever.
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Bobbi September 2, 2013 at 3:02 am

Mine is Diet Coke.
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Jennifer September 3, 2013 at 9:56 am

Soft drinks are the devil. The delicious devil.

I’ve quit the Diet Coke. Again. Friday I took a cold one from the frig. (Because David has not quit.) And I thought, “just one will be alright.” The minute it hit my stomach I knew I had made a mistake. I pushed it aside. No more. I can’t feel like that anymore.
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Amanda September 4, 2013 at 6:35 pm

My boys are selling cans of Dr Pepper for $5 each. They’re trying to help with their college funds….
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Becca September 15, 2013 at 1:42 am

Were you only born with one kidney? That’s fascinating! I am not a soda drinker and am soooo glad carbonation is intolerable to me! It eliminates most drinks from my life!
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