My mother will now die happy because that crap of “I certainly hope you have a daughter just like you!” came true. Dear God did it ever.

August 5, 2013 in Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

If you haven’t ‘liked’ my Facebook page or if you’re not a friend on there or however you do that, you should be. This here is gonna explain this status update the other day:

Teenage Text
I called momma earlier this week.

She answered.

Here’s how it went:

Me: I am about to say to you what every mother lives her whole mother-y life to hear. The words that will leave you free to die a complete and happy mother. The words you felt you’d never hear from my pie hole. The words that better up my percentage of the inheritance because you sho’ain’t gonna hear this from those other two. So, just say nothing until I get it all out.

Mom: Whaaaat?

(In a real squeaky, high pitched, you’re-bothering-me-so-hurry-up-so-I-can-get-back-on-Facebook tone.)

Me: Here goes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such an asshat to you when I was a teenager. I’m sorry I was mouthy and knew everything and felt you needed my input on every thought you had and every decision you made. Even though you didn’t ask for it. There. I’m sorry. I was a total buzzkill for your life and I’m sorry.

(Dead silence. Nothing.)

(I expected to hear proud, weepy-ness.)

(Uh, no. Hell no.)

(Instead I get…)

Mom: Ahhhh hahahahaha hahaha hahahaha!!! OH MY GOD! Hahahaha! I CAN’T BREATHE! Hahaha!!! THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN!! WAIT TILL I TELL YOUR DADDY!! HE’S GONNA HAVE A STROKE! HAHAHA!!

Me: Mother, please. I’m being serious and now YOU’RE being an asshat.

Mom: I AM BEING SERIOUS! HAHAHAHA!!

Me: I’m hanging up if you don’t stop.

Mom: (Somewhat gaining a fake composure and doing her best to stifle that crap.) What happened to bring this up?

Me: Cayla. She’s 15 and she knows everything, can do everything better than anyone else, and well basically, we’re just drooling, tongue-chewing buffoons living under the same roof as her, in her mind.

Mom: Hahahaha!!! Go on…hahaha!! What’d she do?

Me: Nothing. She did nothing. THAT’S JUST IT. SHE DOES NOTHING. Doesn’t feed the dogs or take out the trash or load the dishwasher or anything unless she’s told. THEN, when we’re all like, “If we asked you to feed the dogs yesterday, that pretty much rolls over to the next coming days, too. They like to eat.” she acts like it’s the first time we’ve asked her to feed them! She’s killing me. She’s as sweet as she can be and I love her to death, but I swear to God she thinks her daddy and I are friggin idiots.

(I’m beginning to sound like a friggin idiot so she might be on to something.)

Like, last night. We’re at the table doing dinner and I bring up how I heard Austin has now surpassed New York and DC in heavy traffic. Just a simple, non-thinking conversation. Keith says, “And probably Los Angeles, too.” She belts out in uncontrollable sputtering, “No way, no way…there’s no way we’re past LA! That’s not possible and I’ll never believe we have more traffic than LA!!” And on and on and on. She just won’t shut up and she won’t stop!

Mom: And?

Me: I couldn’t take it after 48 seconds. I looked at her and said, “Have you even ever BEEN to Los Angeles?”

Mom: And?

Me: She said, “Uh, no. But I watch Ellen and Ellen is always talking about how bad the traffic is in LA. I DVR Ellen everyday and watch it before I go to bed so I know.” Momma, she based her entire argument on Ellen DeGeneres.

Mom: Ahhhh hahahaha hahaha!!!!

Me: Stop it, Mother. She’s 15. Has never driven a car. Never goes into Austin unless “I” take her. But yet SHE is convinced she is more aware of the Austin traffic than me. Me. Who spends no less than 2.5 hours a day in it five days a week. And I totally suck at math, but I do believe that is more than 10 hours a week JUST in traffic. But yet, she knows better. Because she watches Ellen.

Mom: Hahahahaha!

Me: Then after dinner, Keith has to tell her to do the dishes. She is home about 6 hours a day and does nothing. But watch Ellen apparently. But according to her, she’s “busy” during her day. Busy. DOING WHAT? Anyway, she strolls to the dishwasher and says, “Whoever puts these dishes in the dishwasher is doing it wrong. These bowls didn’t get very clean.”

Mom: HAHAHAHAHA!! No way!! Hahahaha!!!

Me: Yes way. I couldn’t take it anymore and I said, “SOLD! To the highest bidder and that would be you from now on.”

Mom: Damn. I could have used that one about 35 years ago! Ahhh hahah!!!!

Me: She just shrugged it off. She’s sweet. Not pissy, not mouthy, not an ass, she’s freaking sweet about it. The only reason I haven’t flown across the room only to latch my hands around her neck is because I didn’t blow her through my ladyhole 15 years ago. I don’t feel I have to right to rumble on the living room floor with a child I didn’t birth.

Mom: Well, she ain’t as bad as you were. Trust me on that. God, I don’t even want to think about it and go there. Just thank you God those days are over.

Me: Wow. Thanks, mom. Thanks.

Adelyn August 5, 2013 at 6:12 pm

Ok, funny and not funny. And, for what it is worth, my SEVEN year old (SEVEN!!) does some of this. And you are DEFINITELY a better woman that I am to admit it to your mom. My mom has past away…but I am not sure I could have actually admitted the change of heart about my teenage attitude. 😉
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Carrie August 5, 2013 at 7:10 pm

I had to fess up to her. Had to. I was hoping to get a little sympathy. Instead? Belly laughs. THAT was it. Belly laughs. Loud, annoying belly laughs.

Melissa Kirby August 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm

Carrie,
Jessica will be 16 in a few short weeks – I SOOOOO feel your pain. The NOTHING is what gets me most….. phone/social/friends/phone/twitter/instagram – yadda yadda yadda is what I think she does all day

Carrie August 5, 2013 at 7:12 pm

I think you nailed it. Lord knows her thumbs work just fine. I see those things pumping up and down on that little purple phone going 90 mph.

Nancy August 5, 2013 at 8:24 pm

The BEST will happen in 20 plus years – when you have a similar phone call from her and she apologizes to you for being an asshat. That us why we love our grandchildren – the payback they give our children!!
Love,
Nana

Carrie August 6, 2013 at 8:53 am

Lord, I do hope so. Because THEN I can act all know-it-all-y and just shrug and smile.

You’re a fabulous Nana.

Jennifer August 6, 2013 at 2:36 am

Okay- my number one thought here is, ” Oh Lord. Maybe *I* should talk to your mother to get an idea of what I am in for during the teenage years.” But honestly, I am having enough trouble at THIS stage, I don’t think I want a heads up on the next stage. I might leave home.

Second thought: I don’t think I have ever navigated Austin traffic. But I have been in DC traffic quite a few times and it is a NIGHTMARE. So… umm.. if Austin is worse, I don’t know if I want to move there.
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Carrie August 6, 2013 at 8:55 am

Listen. You have got a little ball of hysterical stories on your hands, right there! Your little redhead is the funniest thing I have ever in my life read about!!

I honestly can not WAIT to hear what she’s like as she gets older!! I LOVE THAT LITTLE TOOT!

katie metzroth August 6, 2013 at 1:51 pm

I apologized to my mother for my behavior when I was a teenager about the time I turned 20. I feel ahead of the curve. Oh wait. I think I may have told you Austin traffic wasn’t that bad and the very next day sat on Mopac for like 2 hours. Maybe I’m not ahead of the curve after all.
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Carrie August 6, 2013 at 3:41 pm

Austin traffic will be the death of me. That will be in my obituary.

Mom is still laughing. Which still urks me because I was trying to be all sentimental and appreciative and kind and she was acting like a damn teenager.

A Morning Grouch August 6, 2013 at 8:29 pm

Hah! This is hilarious – not from YOUR end, I know, but from your mom’s and mine. I’ll be posting something similar but I’ve got over a decade (I think) until we get there!
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Carrie August 6, 2013 at 8:33 pm

Trust me, sister…it’ll be here before you know it.

Way before.

=)

Carrie's Experimental Kitchen August 6, 2013 at 11:05 pm

Carrie,I may not comment on each post but I read everyone. This one had me cracking up so bad MY teenager(16) kept asking me what I was laughing at. I could honestly hear your mothers laughter as mine has done/said the same thing when I had a similar “meltdown” About my own two girls. I’ve been told girls are the worse than boys but since I only have 2 girls that is all I know. I wish you good luck! :)

Carrie August 7, 2013 at 8:01 am

I do have to admit, it is funny to live with. Even though it’s all new to me…she’s mine. There’s no mother in the picture so I’m all she has in that area. And so it’s kinda like we’re making up for lost time.

Just last night she said something (I don’t even remember what) and I said, “Oohhh…how do keep SO much tucked away in that little head of yours?!?”

She found no humor in that.

ABOUT TIME! =)

Carrie's Experimental Kitchen August 8, 2013 at 7:03 am

You’re both lucky to have found each other. It’s not easy, but they’ll come around. Well at least that’s what I keep telling myself! =)
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Carrie August 8, 2013 at 8:00 am

I know you’re right about me. I say every day how lucky I am.

I figure if “I” eventually came around, she probably will, too.

=)

Lisa Hewitt August 8, 2013 at 12:59 pm

Sorry for the late reply.
I did not have to have this conversation with my mother about my teenage years. I was the baby and therefore did not have a chance to be the “knows everything in the world” one. My son is now 25, my mother has passed away, but she did enjoy (hell – she laughed daily) about my baby. Apparently I was a problem from birth (breech) 900 hour labor, etc. sickly child, “high-strung”, accident prone and not one single day went by that she did not one-up me with “when you were a baby”, so I feel your pain sister, I do. And I cannot wait to have grandkids (OK -I can-he’s only 25) so I can do that to him. He was an only child. His grandmother spolied him so bad he stunk. I will get double the pleasure. And BTW he is still a little smart-assy.

Carrie August 8, 2013 at 9:14 pm

900 hour labor! HAHA!!

I bet your mom is looking down on you and screaming out “when you were a baby” every day STILL!!

It’s funny how (as much as it pains me to say it) we eventually hear ourselves saying the same crap our mom said years earlier. I don’t know what was worse…having to go through Miss Know It All’s knowing-it-all episodes or fessing up to mom just to hear her cackle.

Cause Lord knows she AIN’T gonna let me forget this.

Jennifer August 13, 2013 at 10:44 am

I am not looking forward to all that teenage shiznet. Cady already thinks she knows more about things than me. Of course, I did grow her in my body so I guess it is okay if we rumble on the floor over stuff.
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Carrie August 13, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Let me tell you, this is a learning thing for me. However, I am starting to understand that since she DOES know how to do the dishes better, how to fold the clothes better…I’M JUST GONNA LET HER PROVE IT AND SHOW ME.

Its a win/win.

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