If you haven’t ‘liked’ my Facebook page or if you’re not a friend on there or however you do that, you should be. This here is gonna explain this status update the other day:
Here’s how it went:
Me: I am about to say to you what every mother lives her whole mother-y life to hear. The words that will leave you free to die a complete and happy mother. The words you felt you’d never hear from my pie hole. The words that better up my percentage of the inheritance because you sho’ain’t gonna hear this from those other two. So, just say nothing until I get it all out.
(In a real squeaky, high pitched, you’re-bothering-me-so-hurry-up-so-I-can-get-back-on-Facebook tone.)
Me: Here goes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such an asshat to you when I was a teenager. I’m sorry I was mouthy and knew everything and felt you needed my input on every thought you had and every decision you made. Even though you didn’t ask for it. There. I’m sorry. I was a total buzzkill for your life and I’m sorry.
(Dead silence. Nothing.)
(I expected to hear proud, weepy-ness.)
(Uh, no. Hell no.)
(Instead I get…)
Mom: Ahhhh hahahahaha hahaha hahahaha!!! OH MY GOD! Hahahaha! I CAN’T BREATHE! Hahaha!!! THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN!! WAIT TILL I TELL YOUR DADDY!! HE’S GONNA HAVE A STROKE! HAHAHA!!
Me: Mother, please. I’m being serious and now YOU’RE being an asshat.
Mom: I AM BEING SERIOUS! HAHAHAHA!!
Me: I’m hanging up if you don’t stop.
Mom: (Somewhat gaining a fake composure and doing her best to stifle that crap.) What happened to bring this up?
Me: Cayla. She’s 15 and she knows everything, can do everything better than anyone else, and well basically, we’re just drooling, tongue-chewing buffoons living under the same roof as her, in her mind.
Mom: Hahahaha!!! Go on…hahaha!! What’d she do?
Me: Nothing. She did nothing. THAT’S JUST IT. SHE DOES NOTHING. Doesn’t feed the dogs or take out the trash or load the dishwasher or anything unless she’s told. THEN, when we’re all like, “If we asked you to feed the dogs yesterday, that pretty much rolls over to the next coming days, too. They like to eat.” she acts like it’s the first time we’ve asked her to feed them! She’s killing me. She’s as sweet as she can be and I love her to death, but I swear to God she thinks her daddy and I are friggin idiots.
(I’m beginning to sound like a friggin idiot so she might be on to something.)
Like, last night. We’re at the table doing dinner and I bring up how I heard Austin has now surpassed New York and DC in heavy traffic. Just a simple, non-thinking conversation. Keith says, “And probably Los Angeles, too.” She belts out in uncontrollable sputtering, “No way, no way…there’s no way we’re past LA! That’s not possible and I’ll never believe we have more traffic than LA!!” And on and on and on. She just won’t shut up and she won’t stop!
Me: I couldn’t take it after 48 seconds. I looked at her and said, “Have you even ever BEEN to Los Angeles?”
Me: She said, “Uh, no. But I watch Ellen and Ellen is always talking about how bad the traffic is in LA. I DVR Ellen everyday and watch it before I go to bed so I know.” Momma, she based her entire argument on Ellen DeGeneres.
Mom: Ahhhh hahahaha hahaha!!!!
Me: Stop it, Mother. She’s 15. Has never driven a car. Never goes into Austin unless “I” take her. But yet SHE is convinced she is more aware of the Austin traffic than me. Me. Who spends no less than 2.5 hours a day in it five days a week. And I totally suck at math, but I do believe that is more than 10 hours a week JUST in traffic. But yet, she knows better. Because she watches Ellen.
Me: Then after dinner, Keith has to tell her to do the dishes. She is home about 6 hours a day and does nothing. But watch Ellen apparently. But according to her, she’s “busy” during her day. Busy. DOING WHAT? Anyway, she strolls to the dishwasher and says, “Whoever puts these dishes in the dishwasher is doing it wrong. These bowls didn’t get very clean.”
Mom: HAHAHAHAHA!! No way!! Hahahaha!!!
Me: Yes way. I couldn’t take it anymore and I said, “SOLD! To the highest bidder and that would be you from now on.”
Mom: Damn. I could have used that one about 35 years ago! Ahhh hahah!!!!
Me: She just shrugged it off. She’s sweet. Not pissy, not mouthy, not an ass, she’s freaking sweet about it. The only reason I haven’t flown across the room only to latch my hands around her neck is because I didn’t blow her through my ladyhole 15 years ago. I don’t feel I have to right to rumble on the living room floor with a child I didn’t birth.
Mom: Well, she ain’t as bad as you were. Trust me on that. God, I don’t even want to think about it and go there. Just thank you God those days are over.
Me: Wow. Thanks, mom. Thanks.