Now, I don’t suggest you pick a fight with a chicken but if you do…just know it’s gonna totally turn your day around.

August 23, 2013 in Me and My Public Self,Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

Here’s something I learned yesterday: Do not pick a fight with a chicken.

(You’ll look like a full-blown jackass.)

(YOU will. Not me. It’s now accepted from me.)

It’s rare I have rough days but sweet mother of all things in the universe that hate me…yesterday was the sweet-mother-of-all-things-in-the-universe-that-hate-me day.

But that ain’t the big deal here.

By the time quittin’ time hit, I was over it. Over the computer that absolutely refused to boot up at 7:42 am. Over the shoe that broke at 8:07 am. Over that same computer that made me into a giant, over caffeinated…well, (I’m just gonna throw crap to the wind and say it) butt hole…because it still was flipping me off at 9:09 am by still refusing to boot up.

(Asshat. I still hate it.)

The day would never end. And it wasn’t even mid-morning. And I was pouting and stomping around like a damn buffoon.

(A buffoon with one shoe, mind you.)

(If I still dated Xanax, I would have been making out at second base and on my way to third with it by this point.)

At 10:17 am, I threw my head back and blew a loud huff into the world because it should have been 2:19 pm by then.

At 11:04, I gritted my teeth and grunted kinda loud, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” because it should have been 3:31 by then.

Everything that could go wrong yesterday, did go wrong yesterday.

At 4:02, I had nothing more in me. But I had juuuuust enough for a fight. And I was kinda looking for one.

I’m sure this might be hard for you to believe, but I tend to have an on-going conversation with me.

In my head.

So, at 4:15 I say to me: (In my head…) Yo. It’s close enough to 4:30. Get your purse and get out.

Me: These people hate you today anyhow. Hell, I hate you today…so you know they do. They’ll be glad to see you go early.

Me: Especially the boss. He’s off tomorrow anyhow…consider it a gift to him. Not that he gave you a gift of telling you to leave because your belovevd favorite shoe broke, but you just go on and gift him by getting out of here now.

Me: Dude, just shut up. Get your purse and go. Nobody will know and I guarantee you, nobody will care. The work joint is quiet anyway. Just go.

So…I grabbed my purse. While I’m still talking to me. Actually, I’m past talking and have moved on to griping.

At me.

In my head.

Well, this little metal chicken is on my back desk. Beyonce’. And just this week, a coworker who went to Mexico brought her a souvenir. A sombrero. So, she’s been sporting it all week.

Beyonce Sombrero

(No. “I” didn’t get a souvenir, but however…Beyonce’ did. Yes. She did. Not me. Her.)

Anyway.

At this moment, I’m leaving. Early. Kinda sneaking and kinda being really quiet about it. Because my last nerve has had me and my broke shoe and everyone I’ve come in contact with, swinging on it since 7:42 am.

I grabbed my purse, rather quietly slung it over my arm and instantly, all hell broke loose.

I hit the chicken.

Beyonce’ started bouncing and screaming (not literally…just making a big ass racket with her stupid metal beak) and knocking crap over and making all kinds of noise and the more I grabbed at her the more she bounced down the desk and flopped around like a complete fool and the more she bounced and the more she flopped the louder she got and without thinking or even taking a breath, I scream OUT LOUD:

“Damn it, Beyonce’!! Get your shit together!! Stop it right now, act right and get up!!”

Yes. I yelled OUT LOUD. At the damn chicken. The metal chicken. That is not alive. Just standing there.

Well, now laying there.

In her sombrero.

Nobody said a word. Not. One. Word.

Except the big boss. Waaaaaay down in his corner office, he yelps out: “WHAT THE HELL?”

And one of my work sisters very calmly say to him from her desk without even looking up, “Oh, it’s just Carrie and her chicken.”

(Like THAT’S normal.) (Really??)

(I thought that was a little too damn nonchalantly said…but whatever.)

(Just Carrie and her chicken?)

(Just Carrie and her chicken.)

And he then yells out, waaaaay down in his corner office: “Oh, Ok. Have a good one, girl…see you tomorrow!”

Like it’s no big deal. No big deal at all.

It’s no big deal I’m screaming at a chicken. It’s no big deal I’m making a big racket. It’s no big deal I’m trying to sneak out early.

And at that very instance…my day started heading back up. Way up.

Because how can you not start to see a little ray of happiness and sunshine and delight when you live 8 hours a day with people who don’t find THAT SHIT odd?

Yep…that’s what I thought, too.

Bobbi August 23, 2013 at 1:13 pm

Well it could and would happen to me.
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Carrie August 23, 2013 at 1:59 pm

And THAT’S why I find I don’t feel so alone because I know this kind of crap can NOT just hover in my world.

=)

Lisa Hewitt August 23, 2013 at 2:49 pm

Hey Carrie,
Believe it or not (believe it, it’s the truth) -my day was worse, actually the whole week, but knowing how bad this can be on a person and knowing that it must be shared, I am down in the floor wallowing and self-conversating with you and Beyonce and I think it’s just fine. I believe I will fry some chicken this weekend in your honor. And yes there is a little ray of sunshine and delight – she’s a red-headed-tiara- wearing-chicken-loving-talks-to-herself Texas girl.

Carrie August 23, 2013 at 2:58 pm

YAY FOR FRIED CHICKEN!

Well, I am terribly sorry you had a rough week…you sure weren’t alone though. This week can’t end fast enough.

I’m thinking I need a sombrero for these kinds of weeks. Sometimes it’s good to switch up headgear.

=)

You’re fabulous.

Regina August 23, 2013 at 8:13 pm

I totally feel for you. I work remote. We had a meeting today via video. I didn’t comb my hair today. I told him …and he rolled it was normal. I’m gonna put my hair in a towel next time, or wear a clown wig…and see if he rolls.

but back to you a Beyonce. She needs a ring.. (if you like it then you should put a ring on it), but around her neck.. No a dog colar with spikes.

anyway again, glad your people understand you so well..and hillarious that they consider that normal. You should be normal more often.
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Carrie August 23, 2013 at 9:02 pm

PUH-LEEZ let me know if you do the clown wig. I beg of you…puh-leeeez!!

That is pure perfection.

Becca August 23, 2013 at 8:20 pm

I love your amusing antics! I also think it’s great that everyone at your work seems really relaxed. You’re lucky!
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Carrie August 23, 2013 at 9:03 pm

Well, I figure they’re either really relaxed or just numb.

Probably just depends on the day. =)

Connie Weiss August 24, 2013 at 12:27 am

You are a lucky girl to work with so many understand folks.

Carrie August 24, 2013 at 2:37 pm

They’re pretty fantastic. I am lucky!

Barbara August 24, 2013 at 4:59 am

Love it! Never quit working there…..and maybe bring those fine folks donuts on Monday. 😉
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Carrie August 24, 2013 at 2:39 pm

Girl, we have shown up to breakfast tacos waiting on us. They’re really a fun group.

Adelyn August 24, 2013 at 7:58 am

I love this. The best way to get over a bad day is to look around and know that people love you despite the crazy…and maybe BECAUSE OF the crazy.

I was really frustrated at paperwork the other day when I went to talk to some teachers. I tried to talk and I was all a mess. Talking in circles and they were just staring at me. So I got up, walked out the door, turned around, came back in and started over. They just died laughing. I have only been at this job for a few weeks…guess it is time for them to get to know me. 😉
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Carrie August 24, 2013 at 2:40 pm

YOU WILL BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF THEIR DAY, SISTER!!

I figure if we gotta work 8 hours a day…do it with the best people you can find and with the best humor you can dig up!

Amanda August 25, 2013 at 8:44 pm

OMG!! I’ve got a kid next to me asking why I’m laughing! It sounds like the universe was out to get you and at the very last second, handed you a reprieve.
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Carrie August 26, 2013 at 8:42 am

You know, I think that’s EXACTLY what it was.

The universe was looking for a butt to kick and well, mine was right there waiting.
Carrie recently posted..Now, I don’t suggest you pick a fight with a chicken but if you do…just know it’s gonna totally turn your day around.My Profile

Alison August 26, 2013 at 2:52 am

Thank goodness for chickens in sombreros and awesome co-workers.
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Carrie August 26, 2013 at 8:46 am

Yeah…you’re right on the money there.

They are awesome. And tolerant. And patient. And BRAVE.

=)
Carrie recently posted..Now, I don’t suggest you pick a fight with a chicken but if you do…just know it’s gonna totally turn your day around.My Profile

Jennifer August 26, 2013 at 2:27 pm

Alison, I see you’ve found one of my favorite people. You really do find all the good stuff. 😉
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Carrie August 26, 2013 at 4:07 pm

God love it. Coming from YOU that makes my day!!

Jennifer August 26, 2013 at 2:25 pm

I know you. It really isn’t that odd.

(Also, the dudes in the office would probably not say squat to me if I started yelling at things that aren’t alive. Just so you know.)
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Carrie August 26, 2013 at 4:08 pm

I know…sad, huh?

And I knew there was no way I could be the only one who talks to whatever might or might not be listening.

I knew it. =)

A Morning Grouch August 27, 2013 at 1:41 pm

hahahahahaha. you had to have laughed writing this, and that had to have helped your day! hilarious. kudos to whoever got beyonce the sombrero. top notch.
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Carrie August 27, 2013 at 9:00 pm

That little sombrero is awesome. Totally changes her look and personality.

(And there I go again talking as if she’s real.)

katie metzroth August 28, 2013 at 10:40 am

well, if that was all it took, I could have tossed the chicken at you before lunch. just sayin’.
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Carrie August 28, 2013 at 11:11 am

Well, you know it don’t take much.

I’m a lightweight.

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