Because when your in-laws come to your house for the holidays, you can yammer just so much about other family members, Duck Dynasty and Facebook…you play games.
Or eat more ham.
(Which I am totally over at this point.)
I’m sure it’s not hard to imagine, but I play to win. Losing ain’t an option. Even if mother-in-law is playing. Sorry. Not happening.
If you’ll remember back a couple of posts, when I was jackassing around in Galveston with boobs and a big purple hat, I believe I uttered the words:
Go big or go home.
Run faster than the big dog or get back under the porch.
Shit big or get off the pot.
The game ain’t over until I’ve won.
We’re playing that game where you have a partner and you pick a card and you have to get your partner to guess the word at the top without using the words listed on the bottom:
Keith is my partner.
Mother-in-law and Cayla, my 15-year old girl, are our opponents.
Tension is in the air. Thick as the cheese on my macaroni earlier that day.
(Age, sex, shoe size, grade…I don’t care. You’re going down and you’re going down hard.)
I need him to simply say “kangaroo” so I can kick their asses and collect my trophy as the all time ass kicker of this family.
(WE are partners. However, “I” will be the winner.)
I look at him, focus on his eyes, and squint. Hard.
(In my head, the theme to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly slowly begins.)
(Everything was in slow motion.)
This tells him I’m serious and our marriage or his dude parts are quite possibly on the line…depending on his answer.
Cayla flips the hourglass timer thing.
Me: OK, the momma species of this exotic creature carries and feeds her babies in a open flappy pocket on her front part.
Me: The MOMMA SPECIES carries her babies in THAT on her front part….
Keith: Oh! Oh! Oh! I know it…it’s right there…it’s uh, it’s uh….
(He’s sweating. I’m glaring hard.)
Me: They’re furry…front part carries babies…they’re bouncy….
(My teeth are gritted.)
Keith: MARSUPIAL! MARSUPIAL!!
I look at the timer.
Me: MARSUPIAL? DID YOU SAY MARSUPIAL? YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU SEE A WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHAT A MARSUPIAL IS ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT TO DESCRIBE IT??
Keith: Well, isn’t that it?
Me: MARSUPIAL? YOU LOOK AT ME AND THINK TO YOURSELF, “THIS WOMAN WOULD CHOOSE THE WORD MARSUPIAL OVER KANGAROO??” DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?
We lost the damn game over his friggin’ marsupial.
But that’s how I know he loves me.
And thinks I’m smart.
Cause any man who’s lived with me for more than 4 days and has listened to my use of words such as jack-ass-ish, dongle, and idiot-ass on a regular basis and still thinks I’m gonna have the brain space to entertain the word ‘marsupial’ up there…loves my ass more than I ever knew.