My marriage is perfection.
I love my husband more than a woman should. I had no idea it was possible to love someone so much and so hard.
Even when he’s sitting in his chair and he burps and he doesn’t hear me because he’s so entranced into some dumb cop show on TV and when he forgets to fast forward the DVR through commercials and when he farts and when he scratches and when he asks a question I’ve already answered 12 times and when he does all kinds of other shit I’m sure many other husbands do.
(Please tell me other husbands do stupid crap.)
I love him. He’s perfect to me. My love for him is strong.
And my family life is grand.
I love my girl more than I knew I could love a teenager. I don’t believe I could love her more if I blew her out my lady hole 15 years ago.
Even when she rolls her eyes and when does that loud stupid teenage girl huffy dramatic breathing crap and when she walks right past a sink full of dishes and when she doesn’t feed the dog because she forgot even though she had to walk right past his empty bowl with him sitting by it and when she leaves an empty sandwich baggie box in the pantry and when she mouths off all back-talk-ish-y then says she’s joking when she’s called on it and we all know she’s not joking and when she doesn’t lift one purple polish-chipped fingernail all day then asks for a pair of boots that costs more than a small island.
(And I work. She mooches. How is this fair?)
I love her. She’s the best. My love for her is strong.
I would give my soul for both of them. I do love them that much.
They are right up there with lipgloss and macaroni and cheese and ding dongs and moon pies and silly putty and fake moustaches and tooth black-out and big purple hats and high heels. They mean that much to me.
(Brace yourself for what I’m about to reveal.)
(Or maybe it’s me who should do some bracing.)
(It’s me. Definitely me on that bracing crap.)
(Drum roll, please….)
They are both going hunting for a whole weekend.
(OH MY GOD I GET A WHOLE FRIGGIN WEEKEND TO MYSELF AND I CAN SLEEP AS LATE AS I WANT AND EAT WHAT I WANT WITHOUT ANYONE MAKING BARF SOUNDS IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT AND NO ONE TO HEAR FART EXCEPT ME AND I CAN WATCH WHAT I WANT AND DRINK ME SOME WINE AND THEN SOME MORE WINE AND OH MY GOD WHAT IF I DIE FROM ALL THE ALONENESS?)
(I assure you. I won’t.)