My husband goosed me, but I assure you it wasn’t the goose I was wanting.

April 16, 2014 in Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

Because there is no way in hell I can make this up…I’m gonna keep it short.

At 9:06 am this morning, I called my husband while he was on the job.

My husband.

The PoPo

The Fuzz

The 5-0.

Yeah.  Sorry.  Anyway.

I called and he answered.  He  always, always answers.

(Not because I could be on the side of the road with a flat.  Or because I’m maybe in a hold-up situation.  Or because I’m being mugged.)

(No.)

(He always, always answers because he knows that since I married him, I feel I am somewhat an extension of the law now.)

(He always, always answers because of the time I called him while in a chase with a car who hit me from behind on the freeway then took off.  I called him screaming, “This stupid ass car hit me in traffic and then they took off and well now I’m behind them going as fast as traffic allows and we’re kinda weaving in and out of traffic and I need to know what to do because I have their license number and description of the car but they won’t stop and I can’t stop because I’m in too deep now and FOR THE LOVE OF THE LAW I NEED A DASHBOARD SIREN LIKE KOJAK HAD AND I KEEP TELLING YOU TO GET ME ONE AND YOU HAVEN’T AND THIS IS A PRIME OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO USE IT!”)

(True story.)

(One and only time he’s ever yelled at me.  “STOP CHASING ON I-35 AND PULL OVER NOW!  YOU COULD BE KILLED!”)

(I did.  I friggin pulled over.  But I know I could have got’em.  I know I could have.  He has no faith in my law enforcing abilities.)

Anyway.

He answered and I heard something in the background but ignored it because, well, I needed something.  Don’t remember what, but I’m sure it was important.

Keith:  (In a vewy vewy low whisper) (And I meant ‘vewy’ and not ‘very’…not a typo)  SHHHH.  Do you hear that?

Me:  OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAWLING AROUND IN BUSHES AND DOING SOME KIND OF AMBUSH ON SOMEBODY??  GET ME A PICTURE!

Keith:  Huh?  Oh, my God, NO!  But do you HEAR that??

Me:  Yes…what is it?

(Now I’m whispering.)

Keith:  I’ve got a goose in my truck.

Me:  What the hell did you just say?  Did the word “goose” just part your lips??

(He had a damn goose in his patrol truck.  A goose.  In his patrol truck.)

(Never in my life has anyone ever uttered the words, “I’ve got a goose in my truck” to me before 9:30 a.m.)

(Or after 9:30 a.m. for that matter.)

He had a goose in his truck.

A live one.

It was just “in the road and traffic was backing up and people wouldn’t go around it” so he had to get out of his truck and get it.

Not shuffle it to the side of the road.

Not trap it in a box and dump it in a field or something.

But get it.

(Yeah.  I know.)

I immediately started sputtering:  YOU KNOW THIS IS GOING WORLDWIDE, DON’T YOU??  YOU CAN’T TELL ME CRAP LIKE THIS AND THINK IT’S STAYING ALL JAMMED UP IN MY BRAIN.  AIN’T HAPPENING.

He sighed and said:  I figured that already.

All I want is a dashboard siren like Kojak had and maybe my own badge.  I’ll even take a fake badge.  But one I can flash out my window when some jackass won’t get out of the left lane going 47 mph below the speed limit.

That’s it. But instead, I get this:

Could I possibly love that man any more than I did at that very moment?  No.

Could I use a day that was simply boring and blah?  Yeah.

Just a dashboard siren like Kojak had and a badge.

That’s it.

Apparently, I’m asking for way too much.

L. Hewitt April 16, 2014 at 8:32 pm

Did he bring it home? The chickens would love it.
http://www.omarksafety.com/N-American-Signal-Surface-Mount-Single-Flash-Vehicle-Strobe-Light_p_6607.html – you are welcome

Carrie April 16, 2014 at 8:40 pm

WILL IT BLIND ME IN THE CAR??

Cause if not, I’m putting this bad boy at the top of my list!!!

Keith is reeeeally gonna love you now.

Caroline (notenoughwine.com) April 16, 2014 at 9:17 pm

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. It’s a shame we aren’t in the same city. We’d Kojak everyone. Goose and all. And have a blast.

Carrie April 16, 2014 at 9:21 pm

DON’T YOU KNOW IT?!?

Well, maybe sans goose. Maybe?

;-)

Barbara April 17, 2014 at 5:57 am

He should leave that goose back there to peck at criminals he picks up during the day. hahaha

Carrie April 17, 2014 at 6:27 am

Oh my Lord…that is brilliant!! Could you imagine?!?

HAHAHA!!!!

A Morning Grouch April 17, 2014 at 7:00 pm

ahhaaha. Ah. awesome story. So glad I tuned in (sorry, i’ve been MIA. I’m swamped. But, I miss you!)

Carrie April 18, 2014 at 6:05 am

I hear you…I’ve been MIA, too. Life has been stupidly hectic.

Miss you, too, sister…;-)

katie metzroth April 23, 2014 at 6:36 pm

That’s it, I’m calling you Goose from now on.
and you can call me Maverick. :)
katie metzroth recently posted..Happy Toes and Bluebonnets.My Profile

Carrie April 24, 2014 at 9:09 am

OH MY LORD THAT IS TOTAL PERFECTION.

You always put a damn hysterical spin on life!

Amber April 24, 2014 at 3:06 pm

Haha, hilarious. A goose! I am amused.

My husband doesn’t answer his phone at work. He’s not allowed. Distractions, you see. So if something happens, I have to wait. It can be aggravating.
Amber recently posted..Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Being Told Military Life Is Easy?!My Profile

Carrie April 25, 2014 at 10:48 am

If my husband all of a sudden comes up and says he can’t answer his phone at work…I’ll know he read this.

He’d be living way too good if he couldn’t answer his phone. From me. =)

Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? April 28, 2014 at 2:09 pm

First, speed driving on 35? Pretty sure that’s impossible. You are slightly crazy, right?!?!?

Also, goose? Patrol car? Maybe he’s crazy!
Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? recently posted..First on Radiator Springs Racers | Mommy and Me Monday | 219th edMy Profile

Carrie April 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm

Him crazy is a pretty good possibility….=)

That Nerdy Girl May 5, 2014 at 8:02 pm

You know what they say about geese….?
That Nerdy Girl recently posted..Things You Might Hear Me Say.My Profile

Carrie May 6, 2014 at 12:03 pm

Oh, God. No. I’m kinda scared now because this ain’t sounding too good…

=)

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