Getting old is now the new staying young…even if just in my book. Which is the only book that really matters in my world, right?

May 1, 2014 in Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

I have fought life for, well…my whole life.

I moisturize.

I eat healthier than most anyone I know.

(At least 90% of the time.)

(I mean, there IS that occasional mac and cheese, moon pie and well, there’s wine.  Ok, Ok.  There’s wine.  Get off my back.)

I do the stupid treadmill.  Up to an hour sometimes.  (Refer back to all the crap above I can’t live without.)

I lather up in enough sunscreen as if I’m going to physically walk on the sun nude.

I wear my seatbelt.  (Never mind the speed I drive, but I do buckle up.)

Last month, when I hit 45…I revolted.  I refused it.  I slammed the door in it’s face then called momma sobbing, “Is this all there is to life?  What am I doing?  Where am I going?  How do I know if I’m doing anything right?  Did you feel this way at 45?  Is it normal to want to kick life in the teeth sometimes?  Will this crap go away?  Will it be like this forever?  Help me, momma…help me!  Oh, wait.  I gotta go…just got home and nobody is here so I can watch all of my DVR’d Judge Judy shows totally uninterrupted!!  Later!”

(I hope you used your most dramatic, most heaviest southern twang you could muster in your head when you read all that.)

(Now bump it up a couple of decibels because it was Oscar worthy.)

I know.  I’m a simple creature.

Anyway.

Keith is fully aware of this.  He knows I have absolutely no intentions on getting a year older and I will never, EVER be old enough to get a senior citizen discount.

I won’t take THAT discount just like when a kid is 12 and they want to eat off the adult menu and not off that dumb paper kid menu with the crayons and idiot puzzles on it.

Nope.  Not.  Doing it.

He’s asked me how I plan on not getting older.

“Uh, I’m just not.  It’s pretty much that easy.  It’s my life.  Not going to do it.  You can…go ahead…I don’t care.  I ain’t.  This is it.  You’re gonna one day be that creepy old guy with the wrinkly skin and fedora with the 45 year old wife.  I’m hanging out riiiiight here.”

He turned 50 in February.

Fine by me.  Go right ahead.  Get old, buzzard.  Have a party.

I’m scrolling through Facebook last night.  Just about ready to go to bed and I scroll down and see this:

AARP

THIS is how he broke it to me.

That I had an official AARP card.  Yes.  Me.

On Facebook.

I immediately started with, “Whuuuuuut?  Whuuut, whuuuut??  What the hell is THIS?”

He slowly strolled from the bathroom over to his side of the bed like a friggin strutting peacock.  All proud and impressed with himself.

I, however, was not impressed.  Nor amused.

He announced it to the world PRIOR to announcing it to me.

Or my ego.

(However, I did acknowledge his wittiness has come a long way since marrying me.)

(But using it against me is thoroughly explained in the marriage rule book under chapter “How to Keep Your Wife from Gutting your Nuts.”)

I took a Xanax.

I mean, it would have been less obvious if I just painted it on the side of my car in hot pink paint.  Then outlined it in black.  And then painted little black and hot pink zebra stripes on the hood.

That would not look anywhere out of the ordinary here in Austin.

(I’m serious.)

This morning, I decided to just see.  You know, just see.

So, I clicked on the web site.  You know.  While I had my hot tea and oatmeal.

(With cranberries.)

(The oatmeal, not hot tea.  Who would put cranberries in their hot tea?   Come on, stay with me here.)

I GET DISCOUNTS ON TRAVEL AND MOVIES AND CONCERTS AND HOTELS AND AIRFARE AND DINNERS AND HEELS AND LIPSTICK AND NAIL POLISH AND HEELS AND LIPSTICK AND NAIL POLISH AND HEELS AND LIPSTICK AND NAIL POLISH!!!

All because HE’S getting old!  Sounds fair to me!

Let me tell you, this discount crap is gonna cost him way more than not having this discount crap at all!

I believe it’s called ‘backfire.’  Yes…I do believe that’s the term.

Backfire.

So, honey…if you’re reading this…get the luggage down from the top of your closet.

(And I get the big piece we never use.)

Cause we’re gonna take advantage of this you getting old stuff and momma’s gonna live it up!

And I’m going to Denny’s for dinner.  I hear that Early Bird Special is the bomb dot com.  You are free to join me.  I’ll be the one waving my little red and white card around barking out, “He might be getting old but I’m not…bring me more bacon!”

{ 15 comments }

Amber May 1, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Discounts make me happy!

Enjoy your Early Bird Special. Honestly, my husband and I prefer eating dinner early. Most nights we eat by 5.

Also, moon pies rock.
Amber recently posted..Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Loud Constant DisciplineMy Profile

Carrie May 1, 2014 at 3:07 pm

You ain’t kidding. If I can find where they offer discounts on moon pies…THIS PARTY IS GONNA START.

=)

Lisa Hewitt May 1, 2014 at 3:41 pm

Just laughing my old ass off.

Carrie May 1, 2014 at 7:39 pm

I’ll always be young in my mind! I know I’m old and you know I’m old but you gotta let me at least THINK I’m still young!!

Adelyn May 1, 2014 at 6:23 pm

This is the best ever. Backfire, discounts, and bacon. It is like you won the lottery!! Congrats my friend, you stepped in something good!
Adelyn recently posted..Showing UpMy Profile

Carrie May 1, 2014 at 7:39 pm

The more I read about the discounts…the more excited I get!!

It’s kinda sad, really.

A Morning Grouch May 1, 2014 at 7:38 pm

Wine and Xanax – two KEY ingredients, I’d say, to deal with getting older. Hilarious about him posting the card on fb – really. I laughed out loud at that.
A Morning Grouch recently posted..Once We Become Parents We Don’t Want To Hang Out With You Anymore (But Not For The Reasons You Think)My Profile

A Morning Grouch May 1, 2014 at 7:39 pm

(oh and bacon. always a key ingredient, for life, in my book)
A Morning Grouch recently posted..Once We Become Parents We Don’t Want To Hang Out With You Anymore (But Not For The Reasons You Think)My Profile

That Nerdy Girl May 2, 2014 at 10:51 am

I hit 45 this year. Well, I mean…I hit 29, again, this year! And I’m in Austin as well. Let’s have a ‘we’re 29 and that’s it’ party! Oh, and holy crap!! Discounts on shoes!? I’ll take me one of those old people cards now! ;)
That Nerdy Girl recently posted..A simple plan. With bacon.My Profile

Carrie May 2, 2014 at 1:27 pm

Then you know! Any car in Austin with hot pink paint on it would NOT be considered odd. It would almost be normal.

I’m telling you…I’ll be whatever age you want if I get a discount on shoes!! =)

Diane @ Stoney Creek May 2, 2014 at 11:57 am

I have to be honest… turning 45 sucked! I went into a depression, gained 15 pounds and was ready to throw in the towel. At 48 I said screw this! I starting exercising more and more intense (was kind of lame about it) and lost 25 pounds… at 50 I’m in the best shape of my life and feel much more at peace about where I am.

Carrie May 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm

That’s exactly what my mom said when I called her blubbering.

45 kinda sucked, 50 was great, but the party starts at 60! And seeing the party her and dad call ‘life’…I kinda believe her now.

I will admit, after turning 40, life got really good. I stopped being concerned about crap that didn’t matter and started to see what was really important in life. It really does keep getting better. =)

katie metzroth May 2, 2014 at 5:55 pm

Why do I feel like you’re fishing for birthday socks? (Yes, I have to make everything about me. That’s why I’m so happy all the time. Well, that…… and the knitting.)

I think you should have a huge birthday bash on a Friday the 13th next year…..and maybe we can use your AARP discount. : )
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Carrie May 5, 2014 at 10:36 am

I tried to use that AARP card at Walgreens this morning.

IT WORKED.

I’m liking it more and more. =)

Val May 11, 2014 at 12:07 am

I hit 41 this year. Because I’m so mature, I still feel late 20′s. Then I am around a bunch of 20 somethings and I’m all HELL NO, you guys are dumb, so I’ve changed to 30′s now :)

I’m all about discounts. My parents get killer discounts so many places. I’m tempted to take my Mom grocery shopping once a month just to use her discount lol

Since I teach seniors fitness class I’ll always be younger. Maybe you should hang out at the senior center? It’s amazing how young you instantly become!
Val recently posted..Turning 41 And CountingMy Profile

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