Always, always make it worse than it really is because then it ain’t so bad when it ain’t that bad.

July 25, 2014 in Stuff I Should Think About Regretting Later

You know how when you think something is really bad then you find out it’s not as bad as you thought so then the original bad-ness ain’t so bad?

OK, I’ll try it again.

Let’s say I come in with a new pair of heels.  Clacking all around the kitchen and all over the living room.

Keith:  “New shoes?”

Me:  “Oh, my God…you would not believe it.  I’m not even looking for shoes but wanna kill some time at lunch instead of going back to the work joint so I pass (fill-in with any big, giant shoe store here) and I stop because I see this huge sign in the window that screams “CLEARANCE” at me and well you know I ain’t just blowing by that so I stop.”

Keith:  “Of course you did.”

Me:  “And as soon as I walk in, there looking at me is the most perfect pair of heels I have ever in my life seen and I get weak.  Dizzy.  My eyes go all fuzzy.  They’re perfect.  Just the right size heel, the toe is more point-y than round-y and you know I can’t do the round-y toe heels because they make my ankles look stupid and well, a point-y toe just suits me better….”

Keith:  ***big eyes***crickets***

Me:  “…plus they’re my size.  Which never happens because you know anytime I find the perfect shoe, do they have my size?  Hell, no.  They have every size in the book but my size, so they are my size and they are on clearance!”

Keith:  “Cool.”  (Starts clicking the remote to the TV which is a sign he is now losing interest.)

Me:  “And the best part?  Only $176!!  Look at’em!!”

(That’s when I fling my leg up and shake my foot at him.)

Keith:  ***big eyes***blank stare***not breathing***

Me:  “I KNOW, RIGHT!?!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??”

Keith:  “Are you telling me you paid $176 for a pair of shoes?”

Me:  “No.  I only paid $40 but now $40 don’t sound so bad, does it?”

I know.  I’m brilliant.  It works.

Every time.

I highly suggest you try it.

And not only is my amazing wealth of wisdom good for the husband, it’s pretty darn good for the hormonal teenager, too.

Because, well you know…just the littlest of any little thing can throw the entire universe into a tizzy and a small part of her dramatic soul is withering away at the very thought of not having a full 9-waking hours to straighten her hair or look at the wall or suck down 52 gallons of gas going back and forth to the local drive-thru getting coffee and such.

(I say “a full 9-waking hours” because even though I suck at math, I do know 24 hours in a full day minus 15-sleeping hours equals 9-waking hours.)

(Who in the hell needs 15-sleeping hours?  Oh, right.  My girl.)

(Anyway.)

I wanted a few things done so I left this note on the kitchen cabinet:

Chore List

So, that’s how I manage to not be a total loser of a mom and also make life seem really, really horrible then not so bad after all.

(Because really, now #1 and #2 ain’t all that bad, is it?)

Well, that’s one way I do it.

If she’s smart enough to check the mail (but she won’t because it ain’t on the list and heaven forbid one ounce of work be done that isn’t requested), she’d find a little card I mailed her.

With $40 in it.

Because I am THAT friggin awesome.

Regina July 25, 2014 at 12:03 pm

Perfect idea! I’ve done something similar to the husband. I saved $236 at Kohls…. and he usually asks how much I had to spend in order to save that much. :)…and then he’s ok with it.

If I were a bratty teenager (like I once was), I would have left you a note that I fed the dog one of the chickens (after running water on them) as suggested on your list. :)
But I’m a mom now, that wouldn’t be funny from the other side of the stick.
Regina recently posted..Sunsational Tupperware Sales for your Fridge, Freezer and moreMy Profile

Carrie July 25, 2014 at 12:18 pm

I know. Saving is a big, giant thing to dudes. It’s ok what you spent, but what did you save?

And what kinda ticks me off more than anything? There’s nothing she has yet pulled that was even close to the crap I pulled with my parents. So, I wanna get all knotted up then I think back to when I was 16 and I’m all like, “Uh, yeah…I’ll just shut up now.”

Lisa Hewitt July 25, 2014 at 1:13 pm

I have girl mathed and clearance mathed my poor husband so much, I am pretty sure he has lost the ability to just do straight adding and subtracting. Clearance – beautiful word. I hope she checks the mail and I would bet you that 40.00 that if mama knew, she would call her and tell her. I just know she would.

Carrie July 25, 2014 at 1:51 pm

It’s a beautiful thing when you can math’em to pieces.

I’m trying to show her there are rewards in doing things just because they should be done, not only because you get paid to do it. However, the work joint could probably say the same thing to me.

Caroline McLaughlin July 25, 2014 at 1:29 pm

You can send me a card in the mail with $40 in it. I’ll check the mail without being told. I promise!!

I feel your pain about the teen not doing one thing extra outside of being told. You give them an inch and they take a mile. But gosh forbid, if you ask for an inch, they act like you stole their candy, iphone, and ran the mile while wearing their favorite pair of uggs. Except, you. You’ll be wearing your new heels.

Teenagers = BIGGEST DRAMA QUEENS EVER.
Caroline McLaughlin recently posted..Hands To Heaven (How I Survived My First Crush).My Profile

Carrie July 25, 2014 at 1:52 pm

I swear, I sometimes would think I’m just a big friggin loser at this parenting crap, then I hear other mom’s say THE VERY SAME THINGS I SAY and then it doesn’t seem so head-bang-ish.

Adelyn July 25, 2014 at 4:13 pm

You are my hero. Again.

Carrie July 25, 2014 at 5:58 pm

I’m telling you…it’s kinda exciting I’m catching on to this ‘staying ahead of the game’ so quick!

Barbara July 26, 2014 at 7:04 am

Love it! I always tell my husband how much money I saved buying stuff (shoes, lamps, whatever). He always says, “So you’re dang near making money, right?!?!” 😉

Carrie July 28, 2014 at 10:59 am

And he would be right!!

(I don’t get how dudes don’t understand that logic.)

=)
Carrie recently posted..Always, always make it worse than it really is because then it ain’t so bad when it ain’t that bad.My Profile

Joy Christi July 28, 2014 at 8:05 am

You are not only hilarious, you’re brilliant! Will you be my mom? I ALWAYS load and unload the dishwasher! And I like to mow! And I’m pretty sure I can survive with less than 15 hours of sleep. I haven’t got that much sleep since being in the womb, and that’s only because there was nothing better to do :)
Joy Christi recently posted..If I Weren’t Broke. A Fun Look At Being Poor.My Profile

Carrie July 28, 2014 at 11:00 am

Dear Lord…you are the perfect child.

I swear I hear angels singing right at this very minute.

Not kidding.

At. ALL.

katie metzroth August 7, 2014 at 8:40 am

Did you MAIL it or throw it in the mailbox? Inquiring minds want to know.
katie metzroth recently posted..Ireland – Episode OneMy Profile

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