I don’t watch much TV.
Secret is out.
I have no time for it.
What? Between bitching about a hormonal teenager who has done nothing but complain about having so-called cabin fever even though she just got back from 8 glorious, fun-filled days in Florida to losing my mind by pretending I’m June Cleaver less the heels and apron while doing some kind of quiche’ thing for breakfast or cheating on my husband with a grande Toffeenut Mocha Frappuccino….who has time to sit and watch TV?
I haven’t always been this way though.
Back when Dallas was the big thing to watch on Friday nights, the family was hooked. Yeah, I loved to hate JR Ewing. And wanted to marry Bobby.
Then I got a little older and I wanted so bad to be as perfectly beautiful as Abby Ewing on Knots Landing. Her makeup was flawless perfection.
But now? My DVR always has episodes of…ok, do not hate or judge…this ain’t easy to just throw out there…I mean, I’m just putting my reputation with you on the line here…but…
Secret is out.
She’s friggin awesome. And I’ll even go so far as to admit I have learned some valuable quotes from ol’Judy.
“Ummm is not an answer.”
“If you tell the truth you don’t have to have a good memory.”
“When my mouth is moving yours is not, got it?”
“Do you have a job? Well, get one!!”
And yes, I may or may not have repeated a few of these or maybe all of these at home, at the office, at the store, to my momma.
(OK…none to Momma. When I’m wearing an eye patch, you’ll know it was then I said any of these to Momma.)
But I’m ridiculous about repeating quotes from TV sometimes.
I told Keith I want to visit the Judge Judy set the next time we go to New York City.
(He, of course, said nothing to that.)
(Well, he did slowly shake his head with a look of disbelief on his face, if that counts as saying something.)
Not much time for TV for me.
Except. For. Now.
I’m somewhat ashamed. It’s nothing like I’ve ever watched before and I can’t stop. I watch it every night on my laptop in bed with big, giant earphones on my head. I watch it while I’m on that idiot-ass treadmill. I watch it while I’m getting my nails done with little, foamy earbuds in my ears. The only place I don’t watch it is on my drive to and from work.
And that’s only because I can’t figure out how to make that happen just yet.
It’s a drug. It has to be made with crack. I could take it through the vein.
Orange is the New Black.
Secret is out.
The cop dude won’t watch it with me.
Says, “I’m not watching some show about a women’s prison. Remember? I did the death row thing, shuffle the prisoner to the chair, hear their last words and shit for a living. I am not gonna watch that crap in my free time. That’s like you wanting to watch a show about…spreadsheets.”
After I watched season 1, episode 1, I was totally floored. Could NOT believe that fool would not be watching this with me!
I asked again. Did my best to convince him that this is some really good stuff that doesn’t need to pierce my eyes and lay dormant in my soul but he has GOT to watch it with me!
Again, he says, “Let me guess. It’s a bunch of filthy-mouthed women who are even more foul-mouthed than you’ve ever heard in your little small-town life and are crude and raunchy and talk about sex and drugs and most are lesbians and the rest are trying to not be lesbians but yet they are all into sex with each other? Am I even close?”
“YES, YES, YES! THAT’S IT…THAT IS IT, DUDE! YOU’LL LOVE IT! IT’S LIKE AFTER I WATCH IT, I’M THANKFUL WE HAVE A DOOR ON THE TOILET ROOM BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE DOORS ON 3 OF THEIR 4 STALLS AND I FEEL LIKE I’VE ACTUALLY BEEN IN PRISON AND HAVE BEEN VIOLATED AND SHOULD BE CARRYING A SHIV AT ALL TIMES AND JUST FEEL DOWN RIGHT DIRTY AND IMMEDIATELY NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER!”
(That absolutely-did-not-without-a-doubt impress him in the least because he never looked up from his carrot cake.)
(I’m apparently not a good marketer either. I’m still watching it alone.)
Keith: “Are you trying to tell me you’re a lesbian now?”
Me: “For the love of all lady parts…NO.”
But the best part? One of the girls on the show works at the office. Yes, at my office.
Well, its not really “her” that’s on the show, but could certainly be her twin.
But she’s not a lesbian and she’s never been in prison. I asked already.
But they are identical in looks and hair and attitude and foul mouth and jutting neck-age-y stuff.
And there are some really good quotes I would looooove to repeat in office meetings from that show. But I need to pay my car note and there’s that pesty mortgage thing and well I do like my nails to look nice.
In other words: I need a pay check.
So, just as with good ol’Judge Judy, there are some really valuable quotes in Orange is the New Black that I can use somewhere in life, I’m sure.
“You seem so calm. Are you a murderer?”
“I can’t do shit with I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I said ‘stupid’ twice. Only to emphasize how stupid it is.”
“I’m an adult. That gives me the right to make bad choices.”
“You reek. Go take a shower.”
And again, I may or may not would like to repeat a few of these or maybe all of these at home, at the office, at the store, to my momma.
(Of course, NONE of these have been used on Momma.)
(That eye patch thing, again.)
I told Keith I now wanted to visit a women’s prison along with the Judge Judy set.
He said I’m already on probation and to not push it.
And that my reality is a tad distorted.
Funny he should mention that:
Hey, remember…if you want me to wake you up every time I spew something out into the universe here, just enter your email up there in the top right corner, where it says “email” (duh) and I’ll blow up your inbox with my wisdom.
Cause really…who doesn’t want THAT??