I didn’t plan this confession but I’ve been to prison and I’m going back. There. Secret is out.

July 9, 2014 in Crap I Was Considerate Enough to Not Bother You with Before Now.

I don’t watch much TV.

There.

Secret is out.

I have no time for it.

What?  Between bitching about a hormonal teenager who has done nothing but complain about having so-called cabin fever even though she just got back from 8 glorious, fun-filled days in Florida to losing my mind by pretending I’m June Cleaver less the heels and apron while doing some kind of quiche’ thing for breakfast or cheating on my husband with a grande Toffeenut Mocha Frappuccino….who has time to sit and watch TV?

I haven’t always been this way though.

Back when Dallas was the big thing to watch on Friday nights, the family was hooked.  Yeah, I loved to hate JR Ewing.  And wanted to marry Bobby.

Then I got a little older and I wanted so bad to be as perfectly beautiful as Abby Ewing on Knots Landing.  Her makeup was flawless perfection.

But now?  My DVR always has episodes of…ok, do not hate or judge…this ain’t easy to just throw out there…I mean, I’m just putting my reputation with you on the line here…but…

Judge Judy.

There.

Secret is out.

She’s friggin awesome.  And I’ll even go so far as to admit I have learned some valuable quotes from ol’Judy.

“Ummm is not an answer.”

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to have a good memory.”

“When my mouth is moving yours is not, got it?”

“Do you have a job?  Well, get one!!”

And yes, I may or may not have repeated a few of these or maybe all of these at home, at the office, at the store, to my momma.

(OK…none to Momma.  When I’m wearing an eye patch, you’ll know it was then I said any of these to Momma.)

But I’m ridiculous about repeating quotes from TV sometimes.

I told Keith I want to visit the Judge Judy set the next time we go to New York City.

(He, of course, said nothing to that.)

(Well, he did slowly shake his head with a look of disbelief on his face, if that counts as saying something.)

Anyway.

Not much time for TV for me.

Except.  For.  Now.

I’m somewhat ashamed.  It’s nothing like I’ve ever watched before and I can’t stop.  I watch it every night on my laptop in bed with big, giant earphones on my head.  I watch it while I’m on that idiot-ass treadmill.  I watch it while I’m getting my nails done with little, foamy earbuds in my ears.  The only place I don’t watch it is on my drive to and from work.

And that’s only because I can’t figure out how to make that happen just yet.

It’s a drug.  It has to be made with crack.  I could take it through the vein.

Orange is the New Black.

There.

Secret is out.

The cop dude won’t watch it with me.

Says, “I’m not watching some show about a women’s prison.  Remember?  I did the death row thing, shuffle the prisoner to the chair, hear their last words and shit for a living.  I am not gonna watch that crap in my free time.  That’s like you wanting to watch a show about…spreadsheets.”

After I watched season 1, episode 1, I was totally floored.  Could NOT believe that fool would not be watching this with me!

I asked again.  Did my best to convince him that this is some really good stuff that doesn’t need to pierce my eyes and lay dormant in my soul but he has GOT to watch it with me!

Again, he says, “Let me guess.  It’s a bunch of filthy-mouthed women who are even more foul-mouthed than you’ve ever heard in your little small-town life and are crude and raunchy and talk about sex and drugs and most are lesbians and the rest are trying to not be lesbians but yet they are all into sex with each other?  Am I even close?”

“YES, YES, YES!  THAT’S IT…THAT IS IT, DUDE!  YOU’LL LOVE IT!  IT’S LIKE AFTER I WATCH IT, I’M THANKFUL WE HAVE A DOOR ON THE TOILET ROOM BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE DOORS ON 3 OF THEIR 4 STALLS AND I FEEL LIKE I’VE ACTUALLY BEEN IN PRISON AND HAVE BEEN VIOLATED AND SHOULD BE CARRYING A SHIV AT ALL TIMES AND JUST FEEL DOWN RIGHT DIRTY AND IMMEDIATELY NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER!”

(That absolutely-did-not-without-a-doubt impress him in the least because he never looked up from his carrot cake.)

(I’m apparently not a good marketer either.  I’m still watching it alone.)

Keith:  “Are you trying to tell me you’re a lesbian now?”

Me:  “For the love of all lady parts…NO.”

Good Lord.

Anyway.

But the best part?  One of the girls on the show works at the office.  Yes, at my office.

Well, its not really “her” that’s on the show, but could certainly be her twin.

But she’s not a lesbian and she’s never been in prison.  I asked already.

But they are identical in looks and hair and attitude and foul mouth and jutting neck-age-y stuff.

And there are some really good quotes I would looooove to repeat in office meetings from that show.  But I need to pay my car note and there’s that pesty mortgage thing and well I do like my nails to look nice.

In other words:  I need a pay check.

So, just as with good ol’Judge Judy, there are some really valuable quotes in Orange is the New Black that I can use somewhere in life, I’m sure.

Such as:

“You seem so calm.  Are you a murderer?”

“I can’t do shit with I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I said ‘stupid’ twice.  Only to emphasize how stupid it is.”

“I’m an adult.  That gives me the right to make bad choices.”

“You reek.  Go take a shower.”

And again, I may or may not would like to repeat a few of these or maybe all of these at home, at the office, at the store, to my momma.

(Of course, NONE of these have been used on Momma.)

(Yet.)

(That eye patch thing, again.)

I told Keith I now wanted to visit a women’s prison along with the Judge Judy set.

He said I’m already on probation and to not push it.

And that my reality is a tad distorted.

Oh, reeeeeeeally?

Funny he should mention that:

Orange is the New Black

 

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Regina July 9, 2014 at 11:27 am

I watched 2 seasons of Orange is the new Black a few weekends ago. Which involved little sleep. I was more facinated in how Piper changed from when she started.

I enjoyed the second season finale.

I could do without the sexual stuff. Some of the quotes are funny. Who would have thought throwing pie would be so fun!

Carrie July 9, 2014 at 11:49 am

I am just on season 1, episode 9…and I just can not stop.

Same here on the naked-ity parts, but I can speed right past it and get to the good juicy mean parts!

I’m not even sure who my favorite is. I should probably be ashamed I’d even HAVE a favorite!

Lisa Hewitt July 9, 2014 at 3:22 pm

I got so excited the links and email worked I forgot to comment. I too, love me some Judge Judy. I just wait for her to shut them down. I am surprised she hasn’t cussed. I think she does in private. I haven’t watched OITNB. Or that zombie thing, or Breaking Bad. Now I guess I’ll have to, are there more?

Carrie July 9, 2014 at 3:52 pm

I knew it. WE ARE RELATED!!

Judy is the bomb. I secretly watch her when the house is empty so I don’t have to take any lip from those other two. They think she’s ridiculous.

OITNB is the only one I’ve watched. And I’m telling you…I can’t stop. I think there’s crack or something in my ear buds that keeps me coming back for another episode.

Barbara July 9, 2014 at 7:12 pm

I’ve never seen the show but I’m still watching Dallas (and now Devious Maids because I miss Desperate Housewives.

Hey, guess what? I AM going to South Fork next week. CAN’T WAIT!

Carrie July 9, 2014 at 9:38 pm

I’m telling you, Barbi…Dallas was it. And back then it seemed sooooo risqué. Now, it’s comparable to a G-rated movie, but back then? Hot, steamy stuff.

Loved that show. I can’t dare fathom living with the whole family and all gathering around table daily like they did…but I guess it WAS television.

Take lots of pictures of South Fork…and then post those bad boys!! Have fun!! =)

A Morning Grouch July 10, 2014 at 10:22 am

Haha! Oddly my husband loves judge judy! So weird. And we both love OITNB. Just finished season 2 last night….now what??
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Carrie July 10, 2014 at 1:02 pm

I love you both now. Not just you anymore…BOTH of you.

=)

Jennifer July 10, 2014 at 1:55 pm

I’m with you. I love it! And I’ve totally used that “you can’t do shit with I’m sorry” line on my kids. Well, a version of it anyway. Who’s your favorite? I LOVE Tasty. Just wait until you get to season two. Oh, and you need to read the book. It is really good.
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Carrie July 10, 2014 at 3:02 pm

TAYSTEE IS THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A GIRL IN MY OFFICE!! AND I LOVE THEM BOTH!

As a matter of fact, I took the girls picture and put it next to a picture of Taystee on my cube wall. People are in awe how much they look alike.

I keep hearing season 2 is the best. I should be starting it in about 2-3 days.

Lisa B. July 10, 2014 at 9:07 pm

Much too tame, I know, but I wanted to share anyway. My rough, tough Marine fighter pilot father-in-law used to growl, “Sorry doesn’t feed the admiral’s pussy cat,” whenever someone apologized. (Translation: Don’t piss me off with your worthless “sorry”— FIX it.)

Carrie July 11, 2014 at 6:08 am

Well, I do believe you just added something to my list of comebacks. THAT is another good one.

Gosh, I can only imagine some of the rougher, tougher things he could throw out there!!

Love it!!! =)

Adelyn July 11, 2014 at 4:39 am

I LOVE OITNB!!! So much I hate to admit it too. My husband walked in one day and said…what the hell are you watching!?!? … so he is not a fan! ;-). I love that we can binge watch it…but then the withdrawal after all shows have been watched! Oh…it is the worst!!

I don’t watch Judge Judy…but do love every once in awhile when I catch a few minutes and she is saying out loud all the things in my head. 😉

Caroline July 12, 2014 at 10:58 am

Whatever you do, Carrie, do NOT start watching Weeds. OITNB and Weeds are created by the same person, Jenji Kohan. DO NOT watch it. You won’t see the light of day for 8 seasons. You’ll feel so guilty watching such a bad show but you won’t be able to stop. DO NOT DO IT. But when you do, call me so we can talk about it.
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Becca July 13, 2014 at 1:57 am

I also love Orange is the New Black. I watched the first season by myself and raced through it but I am watching season 2 with a friend so it is taking forever! I love the actress who plays Piper, which is the only reason I even watched the show! It sounds like it is realistic if your husband knew what it was like without watching!
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Joy Christi July 14, 2014 at 1:17 pm

I knew you would like it! Mwu-ahahah just wait until Season TWO! >:D
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Amber July 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm

I probably watch TOO MUCH TV.

I do enjoy Judge Judy. I like her honesty.

I also like Orange Is The New Black.
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Hanz July 15, 2014 at 6:24 am

I have been meaningto watch that show and now that you are convincing me to give it a shot…>Lesbians isnt the part i am excited about. But i will try and see it now haha..POor u how much u have tried to convince him hehe..ill watch for u hun dont worry. thanks for your sweetest comments u always manage to make me smile sweetie. huigs
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Pam July 16, 2014 at 10:56 pm

I got the DVD of Season 1 of OITNB from the library, so I had to have it back in five days. No problem. I watched it while working out. I lost three pounds in those five days. I thought the season finale was the most clever I’ve seen. Now I’ve joined Netflix so I can watch Season 2 and started with the first two episodes today!

Val July 20, 2014 at 2:42 am

{tear}

We’ve been so close. So like sistahs. Now your choice of shows is proving we are not. (big sigh) Let alone the fact you said you don’t have time for tv. THE NERVE!
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