Hit or Miss…kinda like my dating life.

Just discovered my teenager doesn’t understand me. Well, there’s a news flash.

June 4, 2014
Messy Room

Allow me to quote my 16-year-old teenager as I was driving her home from the college accounting class she’s taking and continuously gripes about but yet won’t shut her trap about the frat boy that’s in there and how even though she’s the youngest it’s not as hard as she thought it’d be but still though….her […]

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Mom, I might be sounding all thankful and crap but I still want your gumbo pot.

May 8, 2014
Mom Georgetown

Momma…I’m tired. And I only have one. One that “I” didn’t even birth. One that I got when she was 14.  Now she’s a week from being 16, and I’m worn to the bone. And I’m not juggling 3 kids, keeping food on the table, keeping a working husband happy. All while I’m going back […]

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I’m a jackass. And that’s ok because God thinks He’s funny and agrees. So now I don’t have to start smoking or share a cell in the pokey.

May 6, 2014
Keith Text

“I’ll just tell him I need an oil change later.  No need in him calling back this early for that.” “Do not forget to tell him to start the dishwasher before he leaves the house.  Do not forget.” “Maybe when he went to get his blood taken, they decided to go ahead and do his […]

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With or without panties, we were going to see Chicago.

November 25, 2013
Chicago Text

1.  I got a massage. 2.  I purchased myself a nice little jug of Irish Creme. C.  I proceeded to knock back a couple of mugs of chocolate fudge flavored gourmet coffee that contained shots of said Irish Creme. 4.  I panicked and crapped. My Saturday.  November 23, 2013.  Start off with some good ol’fashioned […]

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I need better signs than what I get now from life even though I probably wouldn’t listen to those better signs anymore than I listen to the not-better signs now.

November 14, 2013
Weiner Dog

Me to me:  “Are you shitting me?  You were just hanging around the house and thought, “let me write some jacked up crap on my car window so I can drive through traffic and see how many honks I can get?” I honked. (Don’t look at the license plate.) (I don’t know why.  I guess […]

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I could call this My Husband’s Butt Hole but that would be totally misleading. In a way. Plus, he’d kill me.

August 11, 2013
Oil Change

I couldn’t stop laughing. Could. Not. Stop. It eventually got to the point I was doing that silent-with-my-trap-wide-open-heaving-hard-and-doing-my-absolute-best-NOT-to-pee-a-little laugh. And it’s stupid. Nobody else would even give it a second thought. Oh, but you sure know I did. Just like I give a second thought to licking both mixing beaters with cake batter on them, […]

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Motherhood and Batwings. A winning combination.

July 5, 2013
Barbie

“Listen.  You’ve got a figure I’d kill a man and a small cat for.  If I was anywhere close to your size, I’d spend the majority of my time walking around naked, slapping on lipgloss and heels,  and the other part of my time would be in jail.  Because I was walking around naked.  Slapping on lipgloss […]

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Bet you never thought you’d see Post-it Notes, a Hippie Van and Zombie-talk in one place, huh? You’re welcome.

June 4, 2013
Car Post It

You know how when you’re on the way to the work joint and you’re just not feeling it and you wish you didn’t stop and get that breakfast taco because now you’re going to be all gassy when you get there and you have run out of co-workers to blame because they’re on to your game and your crap […]

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I’m living with the law and breaking it every day but let’s just keep that between us because what the law doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Or me. So, there.

May 7, 2013
Internet

If you are my husband…here, go read about the infatuation I used to have with Snoop Dogg. Or Snoop Lion.  Or whoever he is now. (And THAT is one of the very reasons I am over Snoop.  I mean, who in their right mind just up and changes their name?) (Snoop.  That’s who.) Anyway.  It’ll […]

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Roofers and an earthquake I can tackle. Small, buggish things in the night? Not so much.

August 14, 2012

I’m a pretty hard sleeper.  Most of the time. Or so I thought. I’ve slept through a crew of dudes re-roofing the house at 6:00 am…I’ve slept through a screaming alarm I forgot to turn off the night before…I’ve slept through a slight earthquake when the rest of the hotel guests were up and roaming around in […]

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